~11*blue~

back!

2011-10-24T22:37:00.001+11:00

Been missing in action lately,
not so much physically,
more like mentally, or emotionally...
or just basically living within my imagination, the unreal world.

So guess what world is that?

---> Taiwanese drama!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!

Yes, the ones where they speak a lot of taiwanese (臺灣閩南語), dramatic and mindless plot, and of course! A LOT OF CRYING! LOL!!!~~

Although, I must say, the dialogue is so funny!
Kind of like getting in touch with my roots and the Hokkien dialect,
all the quirky/rude/funny but real phrases/sayings that mum and grandma always yell out.

I bet by the end of these weeks, my Hokkien must have improved!!!

Time to come back to reality though.
Can't be this disorientated for too long...
...because it'll hurt.

End

2011-10-18T19:22:00.000+11:00

Canon 600D + Tamron 17-50mm f/2.8 VC

I started this blog last birthday,

having just discovered the joy of taking photographs,

intending to find my own creative outlet,

a breathing space,

daily.

And funny how I end this blog this birthday

receiving my first DSLR.

So they said, life's a circle.

Till the next project.

And PS: Quarter-life crisis exists. True story. xD

big canon!

2011-10-12T22:08:00.001+11:00

OH YEA. =)))

Dr

2011-09-25T11:07:00.004+10:00

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Work contract for the next 2 years arrived today.

Nice to know that I'll actually be earning money very soon.

Got officially addressed as "Dr" for the first time,

despite not actually going to graduate until 3 months later.

Still,

this feels good.

The end is really near.

Finally.

Somehow.

Exciting.

Scary.

Abandon

2011-08-28T21:07:00.001+10:00

I have been, somehow, to an extent, abandon this blog since I started my 365 blog last year.

Writing long sentences and articulating my thoughts,

have been replaced by

short and sweet phrases, along with photographs.

And I like it.

On one hand, it allowed me to be more creative, to do something I love ~~nearly~~ everyday, to somehow "have a life/hobby" outside medicine.

But on the other hand, I'm getting worse at expressing myself!!!!

Erm.......................

See!

I'm speechless now.

What's the point of this post again?

~~Till next time?~~

___________________________________________________

Oh!!! I actually have something I want to express, something I couldn't express with photos.

So, as med school quickly coming to an end, everywhere I go, people kept asking me what I wanna specialise in in the future.

As a student, I seem to do well with surgical rotation, I enjoy my surgical rotations mostly, and despite hating the early starts and long hours, I still could not help feeling a sense of euphoria after a long day of surgeries, a sense of pride assisting, and the variety of things you can get involve in a day, which in turn, led me to re-consider surgery every time I'm doing a surgical term.

Plus the friends who kept playing devil's advocate.

LOL~~

But the thing that turns me off surgery, and a massive point it is, is the early starts and the long hours. The fact that surgical registrars or even some surgeons are so busy that they don't have a life outside work.

I hate, and I'm using a word that I rarely use in my life here, hate the feeling of being tired all the time, the lack of energy after inadequate resting, and the avolition that comes with it.

So yes, the dilemma.

At this stage, not a big one.

I don't know... I don't have to make that decision now.

~~need to worry more about surviving the next two years of residency~~

But I still somehow wonder where will I be, what will I be doing in 5 years time.

Guess only time will tell.

neurosurg

2011-08-22T15:55:00.000+10:00

neurosurg neurosurg neurosurg neurosurg... ...

day in day out these days.

3 more weeks till holidays.

can't wait.

sigh.

End/Begin 2

2011-07-17T23:24:00.000+10:00

Edited from here.

Everything's new.

Very new.

And I'm freaking out.

On and off.

Still.

Sometimes.

And then we talk.

Face to face,

over the phone,

online.

And something in my head went,

"Calm down, it'll be ok."

I like that.

A lot.

~♥

Passed!

2011-07-17T23:12:00.002+10:00

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

友

I passed my last ever university exams today!!! =)

Still on the right track to start internship next year.

And look out world,

another billionaire in the making ~~in Vietnam or India or Indonesia!~~

On a serious note though,

I would not be here without

my colleagues,

my friends,

my 挚友,

my ともだち!

YAY~~~~

To-do-list Post-exams! - UPDATED

2011-07-01T17:25:00.000+10:00

So what have I done in the last 10 days post-exams?

Draw the freaking floating thing that keeps coming up in my right visual field! --> When my creative juices inspire me?
~~Road-trip somewhere!~~ - Canberra!
Start learning Japanese again. --> そうだね！
Cut my hair short. --> THIS SUNDAY!
...and dye it! --> NEXT few weeks?
~~Shopping~~~~~
Perth in a few months time. Woo!!
~~Read Michelle Au's book!~~
~~Take more photos, with a real camera, not via Vignette in my phone.~~
Catch up with friends that I should have met up ages ago! --> Just some?
~~Drink + party!~~
City-art-gallery + kino-kuniya-day! --> Can I just hole up at home?
Send some snail mails out! --> Tonight! Tonight!
Come up with some sort of exercise plan. --> What exercise?
Vacuum the car. --> Tomorrow? Maybe?
~~Update my Android.~~
~~Customise my phone settings.~~
~~Donate blood.~~

No more exams!

2011-06-25T15:25:00.000+10:00

Monday, June 20, 2011

MBBS (not yet!)

Just finished the last university/med school exams ever!!!

Not there yet,

but a huge step forward,

closer.

Ah HA!

2011-06-09T15:37:00.000+10:00

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Winter Thoughts

If you dare to let go,
if you dare to stop thinking about what box you fit into
and just start being who you are
and letting yourself want what you want,
then I think you'll wake up one day
and find yourself sitting in the right box
which might not be a box at all.

~~ Riese, Autostraddle

Schedule

2011-05-27T17:58:00.000+10:00

So, today's the last day of hospital before exams period.
My next few weeks schedule will be like:

1 week of full time long revision lectures.

1 week of STUVAC, aka trying hard to study, hole up in the room, procrastinate from time to time, eat a lot of junk, stressed.

And then,

Tuesday.
Thursday.
Monday.

DONE!!!
No more exams in uni!!!!

Then nearly 2 weeks of holidays!

Can't I just fast-forward my life till holidays????

GAH!!~

WORD.

2011-05-22T18:00:00.000+10:00

Because here’s the thing about realizing you’re into girls.

Hardly anyone I know has ever said, “Am I gay?” in the same way they say, “Hey, do you know what the weather’s supposed to be like tomorrow?” Like they just need to figure out how to dress for the occasion.

No, when most people ask, “Am I gay?” they ask it with the kind of urgency they would usually reserve for things like, “Do I strap this parachute to my back and jump from this free falling airplane or do I nose dive into the ocean and hope the sharks don’t eat my remains? SINK OR SWIM? LIVE OR DIE? QUENCH THE FIRE OR BURN ALIVE?” It feels so urgent, and the reason it feels so urgent is because you’re probably not just asking, “Hey, do I want to make out with other girls?”

You’re also probably asking:

What the hell are my parents going to say when I tell them I want to kiss other girls? And my friends and my co-workers and my classmates and everyone at my family reunion? And what’s that girl going to say when I tell her I want to kiss her? And how is my life ever going to be OK, and how can I go on being the same, and am I the same, and what else do I not know about what’s alive inside me? And who will still love me and who will start hating me, and is God involved, or the government maybe, and what if it’s only one girl I want to kiss, and how do I label myself and must I label myself, and what if I change my mind and, really, what if do burn alive?

~~ Heather Hogan, Afterellen

Triumph! take 2

2011-05-22T17:55:00.002+10:00

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Triumph!

Got relayed one of the best news in my life as a medical student.

There's nothing more rewarding than having your effort recognised.

All week, I've been trying to take a picture

to represent the joy, triumph, and exhilaration I experienced today.

And I just could not find anything.

(This photo was taken a few years back.)

Because at the end of it all,

I felt it.

And that's more than enough, by far.

Alone

2011-05-21T19:15:00.000+10:00

There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone.

It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone.

It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it.

It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it?

What if you like it and lean on it?

What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart?

Can you even survive that kind of pain?

Losing love is like organ damage.

It's like dying.

The only difference is death ends.

This?

It could go on forever.

~~~ Grey's Anatomy Season 7 Finale

Cantonese

2011-05-15T23:42:00.002+10:00

Shoulder

Cantonese

is not my first language.

~~(Heck! Couldn't even ask my patient to move his shoulder this morning.)~~

I don't listen to Cantonese music,

don't watch Cantonese movies,

can't even relate Chinese literature to Cantonese.

But

I love, love, love,

the familiar, friendly, endearing

banter

in Cantonese

with random strangers.

Feels real.

None of the packaged fake shit.

Ring

2011-05-15T23:41:00.000+10:00

Friday, April 29, 2011

Ring, love, joy.

Watched the royal wedding,
(like the other millions of people through the world)
and was looking for ideas to represent this eventful day.

And I bumped into this:

A ring,

made of modifiable thermal splint,

from my orthopaedic rotation

in the plaster clinic

2 years ago.

It's nothing fancy.
But I still remember
the joy I had that day making it.

And suddenly it struck me, that:

Extravaganza is never an essential part of happiness.

Moment

2011-04-23T00:56:00.001+10:00

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Simplest Joy

Sometimes, it's the simplest thing that makes a whole lot of difference to a moment.

Like the ingenious design of this cup, love it.

The point is, though, I had an amazing moment today.

A bubble,
floating aimlessly in the air,
accidentally created while scrubbing my hands with Betadine vigorously before surgery,
instantly took away my anger and feelings of being wronged,
when I swayed my head tracing it ~~like an idiot~~,
and popped it with my mask.

This is a moment I want to remember, forever.

Touched.

2011-04-17T22:49:00.000+10:00

The Mountain from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

Most. Amazing. Video. of. Mother Earth. Ever.

有時候，生命會卡住

2011-04-14T16:44:00.001+10:00

This is so true.

"...... 卡住，不見得是壞事。因為卡住，妳很早就開始思考生命的意義，妳比同年齡的孩子早熟，也比較了解自己。因為卡住，妳追尋心靈的解脫之道，進而認識了一個廣大無邊的安祥世界。因為卡住，學到放下、無我、忍辱，雖然做得不太好，但妳知道那是不易學到的生命真諦。

生命不會永遠卡住，浪有高有低，海水依然是海水。好好當海水，了解海水，擁抱海水；百花叢中過，管他片葉沾身。困境不是妳，妳甚至不是妳。

接受吧！Let it be."

文/維維

Love! Love! Love!

2011-03-28T20:58:00.000+11:00

Love = Infectious Joy.

Spread it!

Happy for you guys! =)

Melts!

2011-03-23T22:53:00.000+11:00

"...We are moldable people and with the right sort of pressure at the right moment in the right place we can fit and maybe love is not just about being nice to each other or wanting to have sex with each other but about holding each other even when it is hard and it hurts and we are tempted to run away but we don’t...."

One of my favourite blogger/poet/writer.
http://longcoolhallway.wordpress.com/

The Arrival

2011-03-10T22:00:00.000+11:00

Look what's arrived?

"Where are you from?"

"So you're Chinese?"

"Ni hao ma?"

Not that I mind all these random strangers' questions/remarks,

because I'm proud of my upbringing/history,

and the questions remain

relevant/important to me.

But they make me wonder,

when will all these stop?

With me at an older age?

With my children?

With my grandchildren?

Never?

Tik Tok

2011-03-01T21:48:00.002+11:00

Time Bombs!

Countdown to Finals:
T -103 days.

Guess who's stressed?

No prize for guessing

my favourite colour ! ;P

Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!

2011-02-15T22:17:00.001+11:00

Oi! Oi! Oi!

From this time forward,

I pledge my loyalty to Australia and its people,

whose democratic beliefs I share,

whose rights and liberties I respect, and

whose laws I will uphold and obey.

First in 2011

2011-02-02T15:20:00.000+11:00

My first post in year 2011?!!! And it's already February!

I've been blogging less since the start of my 365 blog, mainly because most of my thoughts of the day somehow always tied down with the photos I took... Or at least I try to anyway. The blog has been great so far, forcing myself to do something unusual everyday, something that I enjoy a lot. I've also learned that, sometimes, short paragraphs are sufficient enough to express a point. Better still, a photo.

Anyhow, it's the 2nd month of year 2011. And I'm in Sydney!
Yes, hectic uni/hospital life will start again soon, next Monday to be precise. And my thoughts?
I'm scared, I'm stressed, I'm worried.

The past 3 months have been so relaxing, a self-discovery journey in a way. Not that I've discovered much, the journey continues, of course.
But having so used to the ease and joy, it terrifies me that I'll be going out of my comfort zone again soon.

Medicine, always push me out of my sheltered life.
This year, probably even more.

I know one thing:
I want to, no, I need to pass this year and graduate.
It has been too long.

Medical electives in Sarawak was eye-opening, to say the least.
I don't think I've done anything mind-blowing... But I've certainly gained a more comprehensive view about health care.

One other thing that I've learnt, the most important one, and the most surprising one, is about Malaysia in general. The health care system, the people, the politics, the lifestyle, the culture, even the traffic.

I know I grew up in Malaysia, and I'm still a Malaysian, but somehow this trip is different.
I've been more reflective than usual, maybe as a result of my experiences in the hospitals, maybe because I haven't been back for 2 years, maybe it's my quarter-life crisis ringing, maybe maybe... I don't know why, I've just been feeling a lot lot more. Words just can't describe it all.

Things are changing, things will be changing this year.
Hopefully.

Wish us all luck.
Take care.

Thank you

2010-12-28T03:34:00.001+11:00

Volleyball

Dearest volleyball buddies,

Listening to all your volleyball stories, training sessions that I missed, competitions where I was absent, I used to feel slightly left out. I had doubts and have even questioned about my decision of leaving my home country, and the life I've built alongside you guys.

True, I could have shared all those events and excitement. You have no idea how much I miss you guys, particularly when I saw a team of rather short-built players, whose amazing team spirit brought them so much joy and success. Haha!

But now, if you ask me again, I really don't regret a single bit.

First and foremost, I have gained so much from the new life I'm establishing. And thankfully, still am.

Secondly, no one could take away all those memories that I had with you guys. They have already become a part of me, ingrained within me.

And what's more? Our friendship and mateship have also persisted and even evolved throughout these years.

So really, I couldn't ask for more. Thank you, truly.

And I shall look forward to the days when we become old aunties, enjoying a game of volleyball, together. =P

Shihui

Inspired

2010-12-18T13:39:00.001+11:00

Monday, December 13, 2010

Privilege

Five weeks in Sarawak have:

amazed me,

amused me,

intrigued me,

touched me,

and

inspired me.

Someday, I will be back. =)

Experiences

2010-11-27T15:50:00.001+11:00

Things I've done so far, 3 weeks into my electives in the amazing state of Sarawak:

1. Seen 3 blind men, literally, "the blind leading the blind", trying to cross the road, despite traffic approaching! And therefore, escorted them and saved some lives (?) hahaha~~

2. Missed my flight for the first time in my life.

3. Cycled on the busy roads of Malaysia, and survived! Bicycle 1, Malaysian traffic 0.

4. Punctured the tyres of our bicycles, and got stranded somewhere in the city.... Malaysian Road 1, Bicycle 0.

5. ...Luckily, we managed to squeeze the whole bicycle into the back seat of a friend's car, twice, and got home safely.

6. Super rapid two-lane bowling session!

7. Said Hi to bats, orang-utan, weird insects, crocodiles, macaques, and monkeys etc.

8. Ate Sago worms! Yum!

9. Being part of a 20-people entourage/team ward round.

10. Spoken the most Malay in my whole life.

11. Seen the largest spleen yet.

12. Walked a lot - up to 10km in some days!

13. Conquered the Mulu Pinnacles Trail - 2.4km nearly vertical upwards, 10 hours return!

14. Got stranded in the middle of the river in a boat.

15. Stayed in a traditional Longhouse, where there's no fan at all, and lights & electricity are only available from 6pm to 9pm only.
16. Chicken-danced everywhere! - next to a big round about in the city centre, on top of the Pinnacles Climb etc.

And the adventure continues. =)

anniversary

2010-11-24T21:23:00.001+11:00

Exactly 7 years before,
I left Malaysia
for Australia.

7 years after,
I'm moving on.

Sigh~

I'm alive!

2010-11-22T03:51:00.001+11:00

[written on 18 November 2010]

The past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind to me.

The end of the hospital rotation in Campbelltown, the final gatherings with various groups of friends, the stopover in my beloved Melbourne, the flights back to the familiarity and old friends, and the adventure of reaching my final destination - Kuching, Sarawak.

And I'm currently in Mulu, a small rural town in the state of Sarawak, in the country of Malaysia.

Life has never been so different.

When I first considered the places to do my electives, I only wanted it to be in Malaysia, so that I can get an understanding of the health system of my tanah air, and of course, a relaxing holiday.

So, University of Malaya hospital was initially my first consideration as it is close to home, in a realm that I'm familiar and comfortable with.

And then, somehow the adventurous person in me took over, and I ended up in Sarawak General Hospital, Kuching instead. I guess, with my quarter life crisis knocking, I just couldn't resist the lure of somewhere new, somewhere refreshing, somewhere rural/remote.

Everything is new in Sarawak: the place, the hospital, the system, the lifestyle, even the food, and to an extent, language.

But at the same time, everything oozes a sense of familiarity.
Not just because it's still Malaysia, but also because things develop slower here, many things still resemble what I was used to, as a kid, growing up in Butterworth, Penang.

Very nostalgic.
Or perhaps a sign of growing old.
(depending on how you look at it, haha~~)

These few days, however, I have been surrounded by rainforest (Mulu National Park), listening to the orchestra of nature, living in a longhouse(homestay), experiencing the way of life of the indigenous people.

And I'm starting to see the joy of living simply, so relaxing.

At the same time, my mind is constantly buzzing,
with knowledge to gain everyday,
new things to explore everyday,
and new feelings to experience everyday.

God.
I feel alive.

=)

The 365 of My 0.25: Dear Campbelltown

2010-10-26T23:13:00.001+11:00

Cross

Dear Campbelltown,

I know I've professed my love for you in the past, but today, being my last day walking alongside with you, I can't help but reflect upon how far I've come, how much I've learned, and how much I've grown.

We've known each other for 4 years. They say 4 years is a long time, people finish a university degree in 4 years, tiny humans learn to speak and run in 4 years, mothers could have at least 5 new children in 4 years, a total of 16 seasons, 48 months, 208 weeks, 1450+ days, 35000+ hours. Yes, a long time.

People tend to misunderstand you sometimes, you seem to pop up in the list of "The worst xxxxx in Sydney" everywhere, your pal Campbelltown Hospital constantly made headlines at least a few times a year, and don't get me started on the empire of fastfood outlets and steak houses there. People just couldn't see your potential.

Sure, we have our differences. But I know for sure that, without knowing you, I would probably become a person that I don't want myself to be. You've opened my eyes to the world, taught me real diversity, tolerance and the sense of community.

As much as I've joked about you to others throughout the years, I know that you know that it's just my way of saying how much I appreciate what you have done for me. It's been good fun knowing you, and I would never ever exchange the experiences I've accumulated in this 4 years for anything.

Well, farewell my dear friend. And we will definitely catch up again, some time in the future.

Love always,
Shihui
PS: You better know how to pronounce my name properly next time I see you! xD

Joel Burns: "It gets better"

2010-10-22T23:16:00.002+11:00

____________________________________________________

Somehow was thinking about how these depressed kids would feel, and linked it to what I've learned for the past few weeks about Depression in Mental Health.

I suppose, for some, seeing these messages, knowing that they are not alone, would change their lives, would stop them from making the unchangeable mistake.

But at the same time, if someone's whose truly depressed and all, it's not that easy for them to just stop what they intend to do, just because they feel less alone.
It's the whole cognition, the whole way of thinking.

Therefore, things should be changed from the grassroots.

People shouldn't have to become depressed because of their sexuality in the first place.
People shouldn't have to become depressed because of bullying.

And the world shouldn't have to make desperate pleas like these to young people.

Sigh~

contrast

2010-10-17T18:08:00.000+11:00

There have been too many contrasting feelings, ideas, thoughts lately.

The emotional lows that often follow the high ones.

Often makes me wonder, how am I going to prevent this emptiness?

One minute it's all good, things speeding towards the right direction,

and then something happened that stops you in the middle of your steps.

So, do you keep on running?

Or ruminate a little while?

Which is the healthy way of coping?

2 weeks left to go with university, which is something I'm really looking forward to,

but not at the same time as well - essay, assessments.
Crap.

Celebrations.
Yay!

Commiserations.
Sigh~

Yeah.

Too many contrasting feelings, ideas, thoughts at the moment,

and I'm still trying to digest them all.

Happy birthday to me.

2010-10-17T18:03:00.001+11:00

Just got back from celebrating my birthday with my physio peeps!

Thanks a lot.
Love you guys!!!!~~~~

For coming down south, for finding time, for reminding me that I suck at bowling, for helping me with reaching my SLR goal, for stuffing my stomach with cake, and for...the yumcha!!!~

I really do appreciate it!! =)

Even when you guys duly informed me that I'm not 24, but 94 years old this year, and a grandma! xD
(and I swear I took a separate picture of it!!! But strangely enough, I couldn't find it! WTH??!!)
__________________________________________________

And of course, for everyone who celebrated with me,
family,
chums close but not too far away (the in-betweens) - thanks for the song!!!!
friends near and far,
strangers and all,

I am grateful.

Thanks. =)

10:10:10 10/10/10

2010-10-10T22:24:00.001+11:00

I missed 10:10:10 10/10/10 this morning.

But here's the proof that I did not miss 10:10:10 10/10/10 tonight.

ps: Happy birthday to Pei Ling & Yi Ling! =)

A new project:

2010-10-10T12:52:00.000+11:00

Taken from:
365 of My 0.25
http://365ofmy025.blogspot.com

It started out from the idea of the 365 Project - putting up one photo everyday for a year.

Something I've wanted to do for a long time, but procrastination got in the way because I somehow convinced my mind that the right starting point is yet to be found.

And then life events kept pestering me about the term, as well as the reality, of quarter-life crisis. Which, along with my consciousness, reminded me about my upcoming 24th birthday.

A light bulb went on in my mind.

Quarter = 1/4 = 0.25 = 25th year of life.

Surely, this has to be the perfect starting point.
No more excuses. Shut up.

And so this blog is born.

One photo a day. One idea a day. All through my 25th year of life.

缘分?

2010-09-27T21:33:00.001+10:00

who decides who we gonna meet today?

today, i came across a patient whom i met on 2 separate unrelated encounters.
~~(that's how you know you have been working in the same area for too long! haha~~)~~

it started with her familiar last name, but i didn't think much about it.
then as soon as she saw me, she knew she met me somewhere before.
halfway through the review/interview, she pinpointed exactly where we met - at the ambulatory care unit last year, when she had bad vomitting associating with her first pregnancy, and i was following the "tall doctor" around.

memory flooded back.
I remembered her clearly, down to what she wore that day, and how her demeanor was.
last year.
the patient whom i took my first obstetric history, or my failed attempt at it.

perhaps it was due to my acute awareness of my failure last year that left a lasting memory.
perhaps it was due to the inadequacy i felt at that time about obstetrics.
perhaps it was due to my surprise at her drug-taking and smoking habits, despite being 14 weeks pregnant.
perhaps it was due to her severe pregnancy-related vomiting.
or perhaps it was just the freshness of it all (it was my first rotation afterall).

i don't know why i remember.
i don't know why she remembers.

and the funny thing is, the baby that caused all the vomiting last year is now a healthy, bubby 8 months old, with a cool name.
smiling and giggling in front of me.
now.

oh! who would have thought?!

it almost felt like finding a long lost friend, as ridiculous as it may sound.

it's still a long way to go for her, but i'm glad to see that she has been well, that her little gorgeous baby has changed her perspective.

and how different i am now compared to the me that she met last year.
having a much broader view about medicine,
the experiences i've gained in this 1.5 years.

at least now i know how to take a proper obstetric history! xD

life's a cycle, somehow.
a new pregnancy for her, a new beginning.

and 缘分 (?fate) is still something that i could not grasp.

humour

2010-09-24T22:59:00.000+10:00

(got this from my psychiatry reg: "Laughter is the best Medicine." Indeed.)

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

xD

blank canvas no more.

2010-09-16T16:01:00.000+10:00

child and adolescent mental health highlights the impact and cause-and-effect of family towards one's perceptions, one's behaviour, one's attitude, one's outlook, one's personality.

being in the unit is forcing me to compare and contrast, to analyse my family, my upbringing, my personality, my outlook, my...life.

aren't we all dysfunctional in our own ways?

and aren't we all ain't no blank canvas no more?

reflect

2010-09-05T19:11:00.001+10:00

the ability to reflect about our own self is one of those important skills that every doctors should have. and i think i have that. afterall, i did 'crap' my way into getting distinction for the reflection part of my curriculum.

so, i know my behaviours have changed in the past few months.

i have become more assertive,
...perhaps to a point of being too overpowering.
i have come to realise what i want and don't want in life,
...and not afraid to voice them out to people.
in a way, things are clearer now than before.

but at the same time, things are also murkier than before.
i have become more impatient,
...perhaps to a point that being rude towards people.
i swear a lot more,
...perhaps unnecessary at times.
i have started to enjoy black humour more,
...and can be perhaps too sarcastic at times.

my attitude about life, about society, about medicine have changed in the past few months.
and not all of them are good changes.
i think.

there are always things that i should do, could do, want to do.

and i do know some of the sources of my frustration.

things are always on my mind.
they were there, and they are still there.

at the same time, i can always see the opposite side of things.
and that creates more conflicting thoughts/feelings.

sometimes i know how i can fix things,
but sometimes i just couldn't care less about it all.

medicine has taught me to push things aside, especially unpleasant/difficult ones.
which my psychiatry consultant mentioned that it is supposedly the 'healthy' way of coping with stress.
i think it's also part of the process of being acculturalised.

doing mental health heightens my sense of awareness even more.
and i now realised why this rotation is a 20 contact hours week,
because the rest of the 15 hours per week, you are analysing your own self.
understanding the fine line between sanity and insanity.

and i wonder when i can stop and breathe,
when i can face the the lurkers hiding deep in my mind,
when i can be...

free.

I HAVE to share this!!!!~~~~

2010-08-20T00:06:00.001+10:00

Funniest thing that i've seen for a loooonnnnggg time!
XD

research eh?

2010-08-06T18:22:00.002+10:00

Who would have thought that doing a mini study/research can be so draining.
(And it's only the first week.)

It's interesting to see the irony.
Phone calls enquiring cost of medications, such tedious topic, when done on dying patients (or their carers/family members), makes such huge contrast.
A lot of conflicting, emotions, if you could call that niggling feeling or undertone, of the calls.

On one hand, talking about cost is probably the last thing anyone want to focus on when someone they love is dying. So it's almost cruel for us to bug them about money.
But at the same time, for those with longer prognoses, cost of medications plays a big part in their lives.

It's disheartening to listen to some of their stories.
Worrying about cost should be the last thing on their mind. Really.

Worse is when the family member told you that whoever you are looking for have passed away.
So. Sorry.

But worst is seeing a photo of them, putting a face behind that voice.
And then there are the ones that you've met a few weeks back, and the shock you get seeing them deteriorated, or no longer with us.
I remember every single one of them.

Requiescant in pace. (May they rest in peace)

Oh! Life is so fragile.

However, they are happy times even when death is hovering in your face constantly.
In a way, it's therapeutic to laugh at death. Making jokes. Watching irrelevant youtube video.

I love how everyone of them chuckled when I asked them about whether their income is over or below $50,000.
Or when Mr X suggested that me and him should team up to do comedy.

Well, at least I now know that if I go for a career change in the future, it won't be telemarketing.

Take care peeps.
=)

one week break.

2010-08-01T22:37:00.000+10:00

The luxury of wandering around in the city, without any time constraint.

And this is how things look like with brother's broken sunnies - things seem to have extra bits of rainbow colours at certain angles.

Polarised

And of course, art art art with international flavour! ♥

Driving/roadtrip to Bathurst ~~with the latest RnB tunes~~.

Which reminded me of THIS.

~~Cooking~~Adventures in Bathurst!

And tomorrow, it all starts again.

the end?

2010-07-21T14:50:00.002+10:00

Geez! Last post was the beginning of oncology, this post marks the end of oncology!
Time flies.
Bludgy time flew pass even faster! XD

I must say, before I started oncology/palliative care, I have always been interested in the field, not the medical technical part of the field, more of the human side of the field, the so-called "wishy-washy" part of the field, the holistic approach to patient care.

What I've learned from Oncology?
- that the field is the epitome of Evidence-Based Medicine (EBM)!
- that people who look healthy or well might have cancer cells invading all over their body!
- that people can survive cancer without any problems
- that people can go through chemotherapy without losing their hair!
- that people can go through chemotherapy without much problems.
- that there is increasingly more and more people surviving cancer, who have fought off cancer, and who are now deemed as cancer survivors!
- that a cancer diagnosis changes everything!!!!
- that a cancer diagnosis is a pain in the ass, as it is a chronic and dragging condition, generally develop slowly, requiring a lot patience and long term care! (annoying!)
- that anyone with cancer or know someone close with cancer get to sit on the emotional roller coaster (albeit reluctantly!)!!!
- that human are amazingly strong beings!!

The last one seems to be re-emphasised over and over again when I go through each rotation, regardless of the specialty.

Palliative Care, however, is a whole different field.
I remember being majorly inspired by the lecture on death given by our Palliative Care Director (She's so awesome!), so I was really looking forward to the 1 week we have.

And boy! It's soooo not for me at this point of my life.
It's just too confronting and too depressing.
You see dying people everywhere!
(although some could argue all of us are dying anyway, at different rate.)

I love the philosophy behind Palliative Care, the holistic approach, the availability of time (ironically) to get to know your patients, the emphasis on quality of life and dying with dignity. Love them all!

And it was interesting to see different people perspective to their own mortality.
The best of it all are the ones who have accepted and at peace with their imminent death, who take it so gracefully, who still laugh and live their life, whatever left.

One of them was Mrs CN, who is 78 year old with terminal cancer.
Her sense of humour amazed me.
One of the funniest moment was when our consultant was listening to her chest and commented on how good her lungs was, she, without a blink, uttered slowly and nonchalantly:
"Yea.... I've been on dope."
All of us burst out with laughter!!!

But then the next day we saw her being really depressed and all.
And you wonder how much of the humour is true.
Emotional roller coaster sucks.

Then you see dying 26 years old, who has yet to reconciled with his parents.
It's true. It's the young ones that makes it all so much harder.

Most of all, you see the confused patients, who gradually lost their sense of self.
On one hand, perhaps that's a good thing for the patient in that they are so out of it that they don't realise it all.
(Although the worst are the ones who still have a bit of insight about their confusion. To realise fully that you are deteriorating is the worst.)
But on another hand, it's the confused patients that family members found the most difficult, I guess.
Imagine seeing someone dear to you deteriorate and not being able to do a thing.
Sucks.

Yes, there's a lot of emotions in the palliative care ward.
3 years ago, this would be something I like.
To be able to feel. To contemplate. To think.
But I don't know, 3 years onwards, I've realised that sometimes it's just so much easier to just ignore it all, desensitise yourself, detach yourself.
And it makes me wonder whether it's a good thing afterall???

You really need to be sure of your view on your mortality to be able to work in the field.
And at the moment, the world's just opening up for me.
Live. Love. Life.
The end of it all is still not something that I've understood. Yet.

I was lucky enough (or some may say unlucky) to not being there when 2 of our patients died on the same day. I don't know how I would handle it all.
I don't know.

On a personal note (not that it's not personal enough already!), because one of my close auntie has recently been diagnosed with cancer, it's interesting to see how my family (my mum especially) reacted to it all, parallel to how my patients have reacted.

It was big news a few weeks back.
And I was struggling with how I should feel about it all.
In a way, I can sense myself putting a clinical front and pushing the emotions away, and being strong for my mum.
But I don't know.
Perhaps because of the fact that she's overseas and I have not seen the full-blown effects of it all.
Or perhaps because being in the medical field, able to understand the condition, as well as being acculturalised or having learned to detach yourself from it all.
As I mentioned before, being in a emotional roller coaster sucks.
I've seen part of it. So I can certainly tell you that.

Gah!~~

OK.
On a more cheery note, I'm having another week off!
Yay!~~~~~
More food for the soul! More photography! More time to read leisurely!
And more time to just slow down.
Life's zoomed past too quickly lately.
The emotional highs and lows.
I need a balance.
I need zen.

LOL~

Oh well, take care peeps!

epic --> zzzzz

2010-07-03T22:24:00.001+10:00

It's been a week since uni started again.
This time, it's Oncology for 4 weeks.
Although it barely felt like a week, only attended 1.5 days out of the 5 days.
After the extremely hectic Paeds and O&G terms, need to get used to being bludgy.

Sometimes, it's hard to imagine that I've survived the 26 weeks full on first half of the year.
Wow.

And to reward myself, been just going out very frequently during my 2 weeks break.
The best of it all was the 2 days spent at Bathurst!
Initially helping out with the girls with packing/cleaning, then resorted into becoming a mum and bossed people around, and then somehow just played with my camera a lot.

Of course, how could we forget the ~~ETOH~~partying!!
Let's just say I'll stay dry for the next few weeks to let my liver regenerate itself! hahaha~~~

So, the results of it all, I've been sick.
Caught a cold, either from one of the girls in Bathurst, or just me having a weak immune system after partying too hard.

Somehow, also got, kind of, double-grounded.
Yes, people! Despite me being ancient, I could still be treated like a teenager.
Guess in mum's eyes, I'm always a kid eh?

The familiar atmosphere of hospital became not so cosy anymore.
I miss seeing faces that I know.
Hospital is so different without them around.

Getting back into adult medicine, sick/fragile/old people medicine felt weird too.
So used to young healthy people for the past few months.
Reminded me of how fragile human lives are again.

And at pockets of moment, I could sense myself pushing away some of the stuff that should have bugged me ages ago, as well as stuff that is new and foreign to me (which in some ways, is scary).
I'll just keep on pushing them away.
Until I'm ready, I guess.

On another note, Wei Leng is coming on Wednesday for 6 days!!!
Yay! Fun being a tourist!

Oh yea! Woke up feeling like an ice box a few days ago. Winter this year is freezing!!! And my car = icebox too!!

Shall leave you guys with some of my favorite photos taken recently.
Take care.

epic

2010-06-20T21:34:00.002+10:00

End of first week of holidays.
Past week or so has been epic.

As noted by certain someone, conference week was clouded by a hint of something in the air, a feeling of 'when-will-we-see-each-other-next-time-and-how-would-life-be-when-you-are-not-around'.
And that something adds onto the usual 'quarter-life' or 'i-have-done-so-many-years-of-uni-what-the-hell-is-my-next-part-of-life' crisis, along with the time and space to finally allow ourselves to feel and just be, all cultivated in many deep-and-meaningful sessions, as well as lots of contemplating and reflecting.

Had a weird Korean dish - noodles with cold/tasteless soya bean with cucumber. On a winter cold night. Brilliant choice Shihui!

Of course, FIFA World Cup started. So as the daily rant on stupid players, annoying referees, and the win, lost, and near misses. GOAL~~~~

Attended multiple birthday parties. One reminded me of the social awkwardness of mingling with people that you don't see everyday. Another reminded me of how awesome it is to just let loose with the people that you see everyday.

Gave some awesome food for my soul on Queen's birthday by spending the whole day immersing myself in the world of contemporary art. Biennale of Sydney FTW! And to cap off the day with the closing film of the Sydney Film Festival "The Kids Are All Right" in the beautiful State Theatre made that day one of the highlight this year.
Thanks Lando for coming with me too.

The next day was spent catching up with a few friends and being tourists to Campbelltown. More art at Campbelltown Art Centre, lunch at Campbelltown Catholic Club, lazed around Mt Annan Botanic Garden, and then 10% off ice cream at Baskin-Robbins. Hey, Mr X, hope your last day in Campbelltown was great! ;P

Discovering how small the world is (it's been a recurring theme these days!). Along with renewed faith in ♥. (And a great 'told-ya-so' laugh!)

Work still goes on as usual. But with the occasional free hot drink +/- hot soup/cake/dessert. And yes, I really do enjoy working with kids, and seeing them develop their own skills and improve.

Mum got back from Malaysia after nearly 2 months of crappy food (cooked by me, dad, and brother). Finally. Some real food. Someone to gossip with. And more oestrogen to balance out the testosterone filled household.

Rediscovered the joy of visiting community library, and reading non-med books. Still enjoyed the occasional indie movies. Indie music. And just chilled at home. Bliss~

EPIC Saturday followed.
Long winding journey to Kiama (Way shorter en route back). Saw only the ~~blow~~hole. Yummy fish & chips. Sparklers decorated piece of birthday cake.
Farewell dinner with fellow Lismore-bound mate at Wagaya. Sushi Roulette much again? Was surprised by how much more tame wasabi is now, compared to vomiting-induced one I had 10 years ago. Of course, always, great conversation.
Finale: Victor's 21st. P-A-R-T-Y into the night/morning, despite only a handful of people dancing to the softest RnB/hip-hop tunes.
Encore was more 'sighs'. And yes, they always caught us by surprise.

Oh yea! DSLR + Portrait Lens = FTW!!!!~~

Had so much fun taking photos with the 2nd hand Canon EOS 300D brother bought. It's amazing how after using it for an hour, even my hands noticed the difference when they latched onto my ~~awesome~~ Panasonic DMC-TZ5.
That's it. No more point-and-shoot cameras.
I was born to use an SLR. =P

On a personal note, discovered the danger of the lows after those emotional highs. Isn't it a wonder how life can be so good, yet so shitty at the same time.
Such huge contrast.

There are too many messy ends to tidy. And the frustrating part is not how messy it is, but more because of the uncertainty.
How long?
How?
When?
Who?

At the end of it all, we are all flawed in our own ways. Underneath that cheery surface hides some sort of darkness. In each and everyone of us. Sometimes, what we all need is just to shine light into that darkness. Even for just a short moment.

Because at least there is light.

Paeds! kids! kids kids!!

2010-06-06T23:44:00.006+10:00

Past few months have been crazy.

I don't know where to start, hence I'll just provide snippets here and there.

[Warning! Verbal diarrhoea ahead!]

For the first time in my life, I have:
+ changed dirty nappies on the tiny little newborns
+ got pee-d and poo-d at.
+ held a sub-2kg baby in my arms.
+ learned how to stop little babies from crying ("Don't you like sucking my latex glove covered pinky?"
+ helped with kicking start a new human life.
+ learned how to drive the ultrasound probe, and looked pro at it (Thanks to the great instructions of my lovely professor, he makes anyone look good!)

Snippets from the ~~academic blog posts~~ reflective writings I submitted during Paeds:

Today, I came across an emergency situation involving an increased anxiety and stress level. I was in delivery suite with a Paeds doctor, awaiting the arrival of a baby who may or may not require resuscitation. Once the baby was born, we immediately noticed that he wasn't crying and moving actively. We recognised the abnormality and started to rub his chest to try to get the baby to start breathing on his own. However, the baby was very slow to react. I panicked as I didn't know exactly what to do, and the panic was reflected on the doctor as well. It was evident that both me and the doctor weren't very sure of what we were doing.

First thing I learned, as morbid as it may sound, is that human being can still survive on a haemoglobin level of 22! I related K’s symptoms to adult Medicine, and remembered that most of us would start to panic if an adult patient has a haemoglobin level of less than 70. It amazes me how resilient and strong children are.

A few of us then set out on a mission to spend some time playing with them, with the initial goal of making them smile. And I must say, it felt so good to see them both smile at the end of our ‘play session’. It certainly made my day.

I have come to realise that these children, despite having intellectual disabilities affecting their cognition, each and every one of them still retain their unique and quirky personalities. At the end of the day, the most important lesson that I’ve learned from these children is to never forget to see them as a person, a unique individuals just like any other child, and never label them according to their disabilities. It is important to focus on their abilities, rather than their disabilities.

There is one more week to go before the Paediatrics term ends, and two more weeks to go until our two weeks well-deserved holiday arrive. And I truly can’t wait for this consecutive 26 weeks term to end.

Various factors have been mentioned that may have contributed to burnout among medical students. The factors commonly quoted in the literature include academic pressures, workload, financial concerns, lifestyle changes, sleep deprivation, exposure to patients’ suffering and deaths, and student abuse [......] lack of control over or decision-making capacity in patient care, increased competition with fellow peers, and moral distress arising from inconsistency of values taught in preclinical years and the reality of clinical practices.

And my final post sums up my experience in Paediatrics very well.

It always amazes me how much I’ve gained and learned from each clinical attachment. Unlike the first two years of university where didactic lectures were the focus, from third year onwards, being placed full time in hospital, rotating through different wards and specialties, meant that we were constantly faced with a steep learning curve.

Paediatrics is no exception. The field is vastly different to other specialties that I’ve come across so far. First, the physiology and bodily functions of children are so different to adults, which meant half of what we’ve learned so far does not apply to this population of patients. Even though we have had lectures during conference week 1 on Paediatrics, it still feels like a whole new field. Everything is done slightly differently, from history taking to examinations, investigations and treatments. I personally had to orientate myself around in the first few weeks of the term.

From the interesting cases we presented for Paediatrics Grand Round last week, I’ve also realised children compensate really well when there’s a change in their homeostasis. Often they don’t become symptomatic until the very last minute when they just crash. Therefore, they are so much stronger than adults, recover faster and survive worse. As a consequence, our medical practice needs to change to accommodate them, which essentially highlights how diverse the medical field is.

Having said that, Paediatrics isn’t just general medicine practiced on tiny human beings, it is more than that. Because the main task of being a child is to grow, play and learn, monitoring of a child’s wellbeing and disease prevention are the two big domains of Paediatrics. A child’s social circumstances, such as parents, siblings, peers, performance at school, are as important as his/her diagnosis. And because children are not able to advocate for themselves, as medical practitioners, we have the duty to advocate on behalf of the children, and sometimes it means reporting to the Department of Community Services (DOCS).

A major learning issue that I’ve gained out of this term is learning about the interactions with people with disabilities and their family members. I was constantly challenged during my two weeks at Mater Dei, felt out of depth not just because of not understanding the conditions, but also because of the impact on my personal beliefs and values. I was amazed by everyone that I’ve come cross, from the children, to the parents, teachers, and even the taxi drivers that transport these children to school everyday. The dedication, patience and extensive knowledge about the children and its impact on the people surrounding them are just astonishing. And I’m glad I came out of Mater Dei greatly inspired, and more importantly having an understanding that these children are just like any other persons, they have their own personalities, their likes and dislikes, and rather than focussing on their disabilities, it’s better to focus on their abilities.

Lifelong learning is what Medicine differs from other professions. Because Paediatrics is such a diverse field, and the Paediatrics wards are run by junior/Paediatric Residents (RMOs), the essence of Medicine can be observed day in day out. Regular teaching sessions are conducted not only to medical students, but also to all medical practitioners. There were times where we, as medical students, impart new knowledge to other medical staff via our presentation on a topic. Personally, I’ve learned first hand about the importance of continuing education from the neonatal resuscitation that I attended with a doctor who is now more experienced because of that one stressful incident that we both went through.

Last but not least, feeling burnout was a constant feature in the first few weeks of my rotation in Paediatrics. As medical students from UWS, we are lucky enough to have had lectures on the topic and its coping strategies. However, when it comes to facing burnout in reality, it is really harder than what was mentioned by the lecturers. The important thing, though, is to recognise the feeling of burnout, and then willing to seek help. Application of appropriate coping strategies is the next steps towards getting back up from the trough of our learning. Burnout will be a constant threat in our medical careers. To learn how to cope with it during my time as medical student would certainly be beneficial to my future practices.

And the verdict?
Paediatrics is definitely high up the list of specialties that I would seriously consider.
Who doesn't want to work with those cute little innocent kids?

Makes me wanna steal one home. XD
Take care.

indie

2010-06-05T23:18:00.000+10:00

Yes, I'm done!!!!!~~

Still have one more week of full time lectures to go. But at least, the lectures are all on O&G, which I love love love! And no more assignment/assessment/LAMS to do!

Will update this space later.

And booked tickets to go watch The Kids Are All Right!!!~~
Still excited about it!!~

Another big YAY~~~~~~

x

Running away to fix my indie movies craving!
*teehee*

The Other Side - Rachael Yamagata

2010-06-01T22:56:00.004+10:00

For you.

I'm on the other side
Of where our lives used to be
I'm on the other side
Of where our lives used to be

Every push of my feet in the sand
Reminds me
Together is not where we stand anymore
And every kiss to meet my hand
Defines me
And opens a new door

And all the little lies
Well they call and they wait
And they comfort
And save me from nothing

I'm on the other side
Of where our lives used to be
And I can feel alright
About whatever's good for me

Baby I wanna go back
You were supposed to come with me
All I ever wanted was to be with you
Yeah supposed come with me
Anything I've started now I would never do

You're just a postcard out
Or so they say
I'm holding
Records for more sent out in one day
And if there's a road I'm meant to take
I'm going
Back on the ones who say

All the better times
When you were mine
And the cats are fine but they miss you

I'm on the other side
Of where our lives used to be
And I can feel alright
About whatever's good for me
Baby I wanna go back
You were supposed to come with me
All I ever wanted was to be with you
Yeah supposed come with me
Anything I've started now I would never do

I'm on the other side
Of where our lives used to be
And I can feel alright
About whatever's good for me

I'm on the other side
Of where our lives used to be
And I can feel alright
About what's good for me

Yeah
Yeah but
Baby I wanna go back
Oh baby I wanna go back

You were supposed to come with me
All I ever wanted was to be with you
You're supposed to come with me
Anything I've started now I would never do

BLAH!

2010-05-29T18:50:00.002+10:00

BLAH!

One more week to go.

burnt

2010-05-10T21:00:00.000+10:00

I'm not dead yet.

Just so burnt-out that I can't even be bothered to update this space.

Sigh~~

I'll bounce back.
Sometime.

Perhaps when I finally get some holiday?

Too many things happened, don't know where to start.

I just want to survive till holidays arrive, around mid June.

Take care people.

food for the soul

2010-04-02T23:50:00.007+11:00

Today, had some great real food - Japanese! Yum!
And some awesome soul food - A visit to the Museum of Contemporary Art.

Haven't been able to just relax and fully appreciate the city lately - the smell, the tourists, the atmosphere, the culture, the lovely weather, the Harbour Bridge, and the long train trips.

My soul needed a rest.

Enjoyed being alone on the train trip - put on my sunnies, crank up my MP3, and just sat and think.
Was wondering about the conversation I had yesterday with Land, about Psychiatry, about Psychology, about Psychodynamic therapy. (I just had a week of Mental Health Lecture, Duh!)

Realised that everyone, to some extent, have some sort of underlying issues/conflicts in life, be it religion, cultural identity, personality, sense of belonging, sense of self-worth, personal development, sexuality, interpersonal relationship, etc etc.
That beneath the seemingly 'normal' exterior, lies some sort of resentment, confusion, dilemma, love, lost, struggle etc.

And I started to wonder, should we all then go see a therapist about it?
But then, at the end of the day, does therapy actually help, or heal?
Perhaps not. But I can't help but imagine the empowerment/liberating sentiment that one gets from the very act of putting ourselves in a very vulnerable position, verbalising and confronting our deepest struggles.

And I thought, do I need that?
Would I get that, one day?

Things have not been the best lately.
Stresses from uni, work, family, ~~PMS~~ normal physiology, and the usuals, tipped me over at one point, cultivated into a heated argument with a friend. The additional conflict and the availability of time and space finally led me into moments of emotional outburst.

And these, always, always caught me by surprise.
The liberating effects of them always caught me by surprise too.
I guess, in Medicine, we have to learn to deal with stresses, to suppress out emotions, to detach ourselves to patients, etc. in a very short amount of time.
At the end of it all, I wonder whether being acculturalised is a good thing or not.

Anyhow, had a great time immersing myself in the world of contemporary art again.
Found myself feeling and dancing, and my mind singing with some of the artworks today.
It felt so, so good.

And now I know why I miss my Europe trip so much.
Want to go back one day, sometime, in the future.

Next rotation after the measly 4 days Easter break is Paediatrics.
Something I've been looking forward to.
Bring it on. =)

Take care people.

choice

2010-04-01T00:05:00.003+11:00

I miss O&G. Already.
5 days after finishing the term, after that horrible OSCE/VIVA on Friday.

I am seriously considering going into the field.
And I wonder, why? What drawn me?

Where do I start?

Looking from a medical point of view:
~I love the physician side of things, where there are a lot of meaningful negotiation and communication with (not 'for') patients, with women.
~I love the ongoing care of pregnant women, especially when at the end of it all, a human life is created.
And even if turn out badly, I want to be able to offer my service and support.
~I love the flexibility and a wide range of management options, that vary according to the stages of life the women are in.
~I love the mixture of sub-acute routine care and acute emergencies in the field, keep me on my toes!
~I love how intimate and close-knit the field is.
~I love womens health, and the importance of caring for women in a male-dominated world (letting my inner feminist shine! XD)
~I love the surgeries. Be it the chaotic Caesarean section, the meticulous laparoscopic surgeries, or the blood-y D&Cs.
~I love the mixture of Medicine and Surgery which the vast field has to offer.

Looking from a personal point of view:
~I love the blood-y business! Have I mentioned I love, love the blood stains on my gloves at the end of surgeries? =)
~I love the messiness of it all, as strange as it sounds (probably related to my fondness of things that are so called 'ugly' or 'yucky', yet totally 'real' and 'normal' in reality.).
~I ~~secretly~~ love the hectic schedule, and the euphoria and satisfaction I get driving home in the middle of the night after a long day's work.
~And I love talking and working with, and for women.

The only concern though, was the long years of training, and the possible long/night shifts.

I have not made up my mind. It would perhaps be an ongoing thing anyway.
But all of the sudden, GP, Orthopaedics and Sports Medicine seem so much less interesting after my 9 weeks of O&G!

Having a week of boring Mental Health lectures this week.
I wonder how am I going to survive 9 weeks later in the year????

Next week, starting Paediatrics.
Yay!!~~~~

And finally, I can breathe.
For a while, a short period of time.

Take care people. =)

2010-03-21T15:22:00.003+11:00

I cannot let myself feel.

not just yet.

stories.

2010-03-05T18:19:00.002+11:00

O&G days continued.
Got 3 more weeks to go, and things starting to make sense.

Heart-crushing case I saw the other day, sudden foetal death in utero.
Mother was shattered and very eager to know the reason why - it was some sort of developmental defect.
But does it give closure?
I can't help but thinking she would probably blame herself for it all.
On top of that, a collapsed marriage and lack of supportive family members.
It makes you wonder, how cruel the world can be?

Then there are the young mothers that you see.
Very, very young ones.
16 year olds - barely older than my own brother.
The voice of the dad hasn't even cracked yet!
Oh! These brave, young women,
makes you wonder how now their lives would change?
And, do they even realised it all?

And then there's a G15P3.
15 pregnancies! 15!
But only 3 livebirths.
How? Why? What?

It's amazing how much you can know about the pregnant women from the various interactions you see of them with their family/support persons.
In clinics, in delivery suite, during labour, post-labour.

Spent a whole day at the private rooms today.
From young 18 year old, to old 81 year old women.
From glowing mums, to sobbing ladies, to strong women.
A lot of caring, talking and sharing.

A patient asked: "I just don't understand why you guys want to be doctors."
To which my consultant replied: "It's about people."

I would say also, it's about the stories about people.

And that's why I'm loving it!

tiny little things

2010-02-20T13:32:00.000+11:00

I held a tiny little few-days-old baby (the first time since I held my youngest brother 15.5 years ago) yesterday.

The things that went through my mind was:

“Shit! Shit! Don’t break the neck! Don’t break the neck!”
“This is awkward. My back hurts. And you are sleeping soundly in my arms??”
“Oh hello! I’m not your mum.”
“Erm… how do I hold them? How do I put them back to the crib? How? How? How?!”

Most of all though…
“Aww~~ This is so cute!!!”
“I want one!”
(minus the crying, the carrying for 9 months, the feeding, the crying again, and lack of sleep, etc.)

XD~~~ Can’t wait for Paeds to come!

ugly reality

2010-02-16T21:54:00.001+11:00

2 weeks of obstetrics, all I've seen so far were mainly good news.

"Congratulations! You've got a baby girl!"
"Fingers cross, that you'll be able to go into labour soon!"
"Look at this (pointing at Ultrasound images)! It's your baby! See! She's moving!"
"Baby's moving well?"

and the 2 quick, non-complicated normal vagina deliveries that I was so honoured to be part of.

But things took a turn yesterday and today.

*sarcastic*
Happy Chinese New Year anyone?

I knew it was too good to be true.

Yesterday, in EPAS (Early Pregnancy Assessment Service), two miscarriages.

One came in thinking she's going to have another baby, she wasn't too worried about her vaginal bleeding.
Perhaps being a bit too optimistic?
She left in shock, complete with blank stares after we informed her that from the ultrasounds scan, there doesn't seem to have any embryonic tissue.
Essentially, it's just egg white without the egg yolk.
An anembryonic pregnancy.

Another came in distraught after having a preliminary scan showing no foetal heart beat.
Another more formal and detailed scan later, it was confirmed.
Twin pregnancy, both non-viable.
She was crushed.

Worse still, both of them had a D&C within 24 hours.
Got rid of it all.
No evidence left behind.
No time even to mourn.

I couldn't even able to imagine how that would feel like.
Just way beyond me.

Today, instead of congratulating a dignified lady I followed in the past few days, who had her 9th baby yesterday, I avoided her, talking to her would probably make her more distressed.
Her baby boy has Down Syndrome.
Despite having a nuchal translucency scan, showing moderately low risk (1 in 668), she became one of the unfortunate few.
She was devastated.

Sigh~~~

Welcome to the sad/ugly side of obstetrics.
Sucks.

And the thing is, bad news in Obstetrics are worse than other specialties that I've experienced so far.
Because they almost always involve the demise of a life.
A potential human being.
Or someone's precious.

Take care people.

2.5 weeks into O&G, I'm asking myself,

"Do I want to be an O&G specialist?"

Amazing - Of first birth

2010-02-01T23:15:00.000+11:00

I saw my first birth today.

Yea! I know....

I KNOW!!!

Nah... I wasn't that excited.
Haha~~~

It didn't really hit me till I was home, tired from cooking and exercising and whole day's fun in the delivery suite.

It's actually all very subtle.

I didn't really feel the whole 'miracle-of-life-I'm-gonna-tear-up' crap.
Or the whole 'Gah!-the-baby-is-so-cute-oh-my-God!' shit.
(I did the latter on my lovely friend's 8 weeks old though, she's sooooooooo cute that I melt everytime I see her or stalk her Facebook photos!)

Medically speaking, it was cool to see little baby Mia's fontanelles really overlapped while being pushed out of her mum's cosy uterus.
It was awesome to see Prostaglandins in action, along with other hormones, that makes what seems like an impossible feat possible, and even easy for some.

But it was the emotions that I remember clearly.

And where do I even start?

I seriously thought long and hard about putting them in comprehensible sentences.
But I only came up with jumble of words and phrases.

It was such an incredible honour and privilege to be able to share that amazing experience, given by not someone you know, but a stranger that you've only known for 10 minutes.

It was also incredibly humbling to be allowed to be there and even support them when they are at their most vulnerable, most dramatic, or some would even describe as the 'ugliest' moments.

It's so... so... raw!

So bare!!

So similar to all other living creatures in the world, yet so intimate and incredibly human.

And so real.

At one point I felt like an intruder, that I'm soooo not important at all, as much as it was my first birth, and special in every way, it's still their moment.
Mine is nothing compared to theirs.

Perhaps it's the sanctity or sacredness of it all.

Perhaps it is about the miracle of life after all.

What the.....

Wow! I've just witnessed a whole new life being created???!!!~~~

SHIT!!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hmm... I guess that's why many said it's an indescribable feeling. =P

For one brief moment, I thought, "Yeah! I could do this. I actually like it!"
We'll see whether 8 weeks of O&G will change that.

Take care.

crossroads

2010-01-31T01:02:00.003+11:00

A lot has been happening lately.
I don't know why, all of the sudden January felt so short.
And I wonder why all these didn't happen during my 7 weeks holidays, when days were lazy, when I could afford to do heaps of thinking.

Now, thinking just distracts me more and more.
And year 2010 just feels longer and longer.

Not that I'm blaming anyone or anything.
I can't blame life itself, can I?

Many of my friends are at a crossroad.
Abandoned by the past,
pondering about the future,
trying hard to live at the present,
and most of all, searching for themselves.

I guess to some extent, I am doing that as well.
It has been an on-going process for me.
I'm very surprised that I'm not alone, but I'm not feeling relief, because I worry about them.

And a lot of times, it pains me to know.
It cuts me.
People that I care about.

Not that I mind, I've always been drawn to them.
Raw emotions. Dilemma. Frustrations.
I... feel.

The world is of many shades of grey.
I've understood that ages ago.

But it doesn't make it less sucks.

Hmm... perhaps all I need is to catch a few healthy newborns on Monday. =P

Yes, I'm officially starting my O&G rotation.
Day 1 - Delivery Suite!!!!~~

Ok Shihui! Gotta be more motivated than this.

Take care, people.
And I mean it.

Virtual hugs to all!!!~~~

change!

2010-01-24T21:50:00.000+11:00

Went clubbing with friends yesterday night (till today morning! hehe).

Yes! Shihui does go clubbing!! *gasp*

hahahahahah~~~~

People change, get over it!

LOL~~

It's funny that only a few years back, I hated the clubbing scene.
Now I actually enjoyed it, with the right people and place.

It's funny that only a few years back, I told myself that I would never drink too much, especially to a stage that I get rashes (because I still freaking remember the pain and itch I had when I first drank alcohol at an age younger that what I suppose to be).
Now I think I got used to having rashes, after a big night out.
(not good, hmm...)

It's funny that only a few years back, I would not dance in a party, because I didn't find it fun.
Now, I danced till 4am this morning.

It's funny that only a few years back, I have other priorities.
Now, new priorities come along, old ones no longer important.

Sometimes it's not that bad to just open your mind up, let loose and let go.
Try something new,
put down that ego, that face...
and stop worrying...
Just do it.

It can be liberating.
It could change your perspectives.
And if you are lucky, you might just found something you will hold onto for the rest of the life.

Life's a journey.
Hold on tight and travel.

Take care.

of translations

2010-01-14T23:47:00.005+11:00

A dear friend of mine (whom I miss a lot) wrote this to me a few years back.

想要给你天空的湛蓝，也想给你大海的广阔，因为她们是如此纤尘不染。于是你一抬头便是我满天的祝福，一闭上眼便是涛涛的回忆。

I, translated it as:

Want to give you the blue blue sky, also the wide open ocean, because they are pure and innocent. So, when you look up, you’ll see the full sky of my best wishes to you, and when you close your eyes, there will be waves of memory.

Due to my sucky English, friend no.1 made it sound nicer:

If all the blue skies and the open seas were mine, I'd give it all to you. Because they are pure and innocent (not sure what this part means haha). So when you look up, the glorious horizon will shine forth all my best wishes for you. And when you close your eyes there will be countless waves of memories

Friend no.2 attempted as well:

If it were in my ability, I would give you all of the great blue sky, a reflection of the vast oceans, because like you, they are pure and innocent. So when you gazed up, you'd see the sky full of all my wishes for you; and even with your eyes closed, the waves of memory would return.

And this is what Google says:

Want to give you the sky blue, and also wanted to give you a vast sea, because they are so Xianchen Fusome. So you raise your head and the wish is my sky
Fu, a shut our eyes is the Taotao memories.

HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHA~~~~~~~~

And yes, this is what I discuss with my friends on MSN.
Random~~~

Any other attempts?

new year, new me?

2010-01-09T15:33:00.003+11:00

HAPPY YEAR 2010!!~~

yes, i know, i'm a bit late.

Life's been busy lately, busy with new beginning.
New floorings in my house.
New photos to print.
New room to decorate.
New skills to learn - photoshop!
(Re)New passion to continue on my Japanese learning.
New realisation of how much alcohol I can only handle without bursting out with rashes.

[HAHA @ the last one. XD]

Year 2009 has been a hectic, but awesome one.
It was the year that I discovered more about myself - limitations, interests, surprises, doubts, passion, etc.
It was the year that I focussed on the present.
It was also that year where I look back without a feeling of regret, but fascination at what's more to explore.

So what's year 2010 going to be?

~CHANGE!

It shall be a year that I will have the courage to explore.
It shall be a year that I will not just think, but DO what I want to.
It shall be a year where life should still go on regardless of how busy uni/hospital can be.

And like any other year, it shall be a year that I will know a bit more about my purpose in life.

Have a great 2010.
Take care.

2009

2009-12-30T22:20:00.003+11:00

My year 2009, according to Facebook statuses.

Happy New Year, everyone!
May year 2010 be better!!~~
Take care.

.fellow lovely DUDEttes.

2009-12-20T18:14:00.006+11:00

As I mentioned here and here before, this year has been a great change and challenge for me.

Sometimes, I wonder how could I have survived.

The medical circle is often a very tight-knit group of people.

Many have come (and go) throughout the year, each one of them have made me who I am today, no matter how small that contribution is.

And I can't thank them all enough.

But there's also the special few.

To Avery:

Who was actually the first person I talked to in Med,

who some people initially thought was 'snob-y' (HAHAHA~~),

who claims to have an awesome gaydar (LOL~~),

who would out-drink any of us anytime,

who always provide us with some perspectives (life experiences eh? LOL),

who, with fellow someone else, the instigator of the group,

and who is so generous, always friendly, ...and secretly nerdy.

To Land:

Who is the youngest of us all (yet, older than some of us in some ways),

who is the most soft-spoken among us,

who many people wanna learn Guitar from (*wink wink* HAHAHAH~~~),

who empathises with me with regards to playing the big sister role (& big sister bullying, perhaps? XD),

who shares my fondness of colours (but somehow love black the best?!),

who is probably sick of, but still put up with our 'Land-jokes',

and who is so down-to-Earth, a great listener, ...and my favourite carbuddy (...so far! HAHA)

To Liling:

Who is the baby of the group,

who has the most 'animated' verbal AND non-verbal expressions (literally! Anime~~),

who understands all my Malaysian-ness,

who never judge (but gotta have some of this in life, buddy!~),

who is the 'slowest/clueless' among us (HAHA~~),

who always have a smile on her face,

and who is so sincere and honest, ...and a cheap drunk!

To Vy:

Who wears heels...A LOT,

who is one of the rare few who LOVES everything OLD (except being old? HAHA~)

who, yet, has an attention span of a 5 year old (Panda-friend? HAHA~),

who associates with Malaysians a lot (awesome!)

who is the major instigator of the group (LOL~),

who is one of the randomest person I've ever met,

and who is always approachable, endearing, ...and a total dork (...in a nice way, I swear! =P)

They always say, Medicine brings people together.

Pardon my limited vocabulary and language skills, I just could not express how grateful enough I am.

I will never forget the ups and downs that we went through,

the endless conversations we had,

the exchange of ideas,

the silly things we share,

the sincerity and openness,

and the joy you guys brought (& bring) into my life.

A personality test I did last week said that I'm perhaps currently unable to achieve security with those who I am closest with.

Well, I can confidently say though, from a friendship point of view, I am at my most secure. Ever, in my life.

Thanks to you guys!!~~

LOVE YOUs!!~

TGET 15 - Cambridge

2009-12-15T21:33:00.007+11:00

As a university student, totally can't leave out either Oxford or Cambridge when visiting the UK right?

Met up with Mee Cui.

Some friends, despite how short of a period you know them, it's still great to just chill and catch up. =)

Visited Cambridge the day before we left Europe.

With Mee Cui and some friends of hers, and now ours.

Cambridge is indeed how I pictured it to be.

Old buildings, colleges, grassy quadrangle, the river, students, cafe, books, bicycles~~~~

Was freezing cold too!!~ Snowed heavily while we were having lunch.

Dinner was at this awesome pub.

With great music, great host, great food, great alcohol, and of course great company, such a fitting end to our trip!!~~~

___________________________________

Coincidently, my travel diary ran out of spaces the day before I left. And somehow I had only 1 random piece of paper somewhere in my bag to write my final day journey.

It's amazing how things work out.

Europe has been an unforgetable trip.

I learned heaps, not just about the places, but also my friends, my brother and myself.

Quite often, I miss Europe.

The proximity, the diversity, the culture, the history, the arts, the lifestyle...

Now I know why people love living there!!~~~

Shall go there again one day!!~~~

ps: Thanks for bearing with me the countless photos/posts/words I've published. =P

TGET 14 - Stonehenge & Bath

2009-12-15T20:50:00.007+11:00

Me, bro and Wing Foo, 3 of us went to these places.

Wing Foo, our driver, in a Proton car.
LOL~ How Malaysian!!~~
(Koi Ni didn't go cos she had to complete her assignment at home)

It was freezing cold that day.
Even snowed at one point.

And it felt very different to finally be able to visit Stonehenge, after the countless photos seen since all those years ago. Of course, like everyone else, we were surprised by how it is just located next to a major highway, hahahaha... and it wasn't as big as I thought.

But it is still mysterious, amazingly eerie, and mind-boggling at times.

Bath is a very historical town. Old buildings everywhere... kind of like Salzburg.

Went to Bath Abbey, with those funny angels climbing up the 'stairs' by the wall upwards, so cute!!~

Angels resting!!~~ too tired eh?

Climb up, up up and away~~~~

Roman Bath was another must-visit place we went as well.
The bath/hotspring is green?! and HOT~
The water, yeap, tasted like Iron. Wasn't as bad as blood though, i reckon~ LOL~~~

____________________________________________

One more Europe Trip post to go!
Finally XD~~~

TGET 13 - Portsmouth

2009-12-15T16:10:00.009+11:00

It's not a common touristy place.

But, my best best budddy, Koi Ni, lives there. =)
So, I went and stayed for 3 days.

Portsmouth, located at the southern part of UK, is a port/harbour/marinetime place.
Used to be a naval port.
A lot of sails, historical dockyard, marinetime museum, beach etc.

Gunwharf Quay

Portsmouth FC Stadium
Spinnaker Tower at night.
Spinnaker Tower at sunset
Historical Dockyard
Hovercraft!!!!~~~~~~~ Have always been fascinated by them since seeing it on a movie in childhood!!~~~
SO FREAKING COOL!!~ childhood dream come true!!~~

Personally speaking, Portsmouth reminded me that it had been 3 years since I last saw Koi Ni.
That things and circumstances changed throughout that 3 years.
That life moves on.

So, staying in Portsmouth was a change of pace during my Europe trip.
It felt slightly more like home with Koi Ni (& Tommy) around.

We went shopping.
(Marks & Spencer's tux/suit for 9 pounds?!!!!!!!!!!)

We had a simple but cosy dinner - herbal duck & champagne.
(Yummy! and luckily we remembered to defrost the duck overnight!!~ LOL)

Also met up with Wing Foo, my high school buddy.
(who also drove us to Stonehenge and Bath)

I remember being really emotional when I had to leave Portsmouth, leave Koi Ni, after spending around 2.5 weeks with her travelling around UK and in Portsmouth. You can cut the tension with a knife the time leading up to stepping out of that warm house.

We were teasing each others about not crying. LOL~~
and I was full on tearing up on the train trip back to London.
So FAIL~~~ XD

Perhaps it was because at that point, I finally knew how bloody long 3 years felt to not see your bestest buddy - MY person for everything.

SIGH~~

When will we meet up next time?
Where would we be?
What stage of life would we be in?
How things would change in the mean time?

I LOVE YOU~~~~~~~~~
*muacks*

TGET 12 - Keswick

2009-12-03T13:33:00.007+11:00

one of my favourite place.

Keswick is a little town in the Lake District. Lakes, hills, fields, winter time, perfect nature getaway!~

I first got captivated by the Lake District by photos of the lakes that i googled. They were soooooo pretty and serene!~

We stayed there for 2 nights. Arriving there 2 days before year 2008 ends. Stayed in Pitcairn House, a really cosy guesthouse, which i didn't take any photos of. Hmm... one of the most expensive accommodation that we stayed, but for a small town, it's awesome. The owners, Steve and Heather, are really friendly, took great care of us, great breakfast (had my first black pudding!), great packed lunch the day we left as well.

Because it was during christmas/new year holiday period, the town centre was decorated with beautiful lights everywhere. Festive atmosphere. there was even a digital clock on top of the townhall that was counting down towards new year.

Walked around the town centre the day we arrived there via train from Edinburgh, and a bus trip from Penrith train station. The 2nd time (1st time in Glasgow, don't remember the exact phrase, but funny as well) I couldn't comprehend English!! the bus driver pronounced 'BUS' as 'Boos'!!!~~~ and i said pardon a few times, until realising what he was saying like 5 minutes into the bus trip!!~~ HAHAHHAHA....

Keswick was very cold. No snow. apparently, the place just freeze, doesn't snow very often. Freezing, literally!!~~ As seen on Derwent Water. The lake was frozen!!!~~~~~ some parts of it. and quite fragile ice.... which tasted like ice!!!~~ i knew it cos i tasted it!!~ HAHA~~~~
Duck-skating!!!~ Slippery for the ducks too!!~~ LOL~~

we also managed to test the physics theory that we learned in high school. That the water under the ice cap, as it goes deeper, it's actually warmer. Yes, we took out our gloves and tested the theory!!!~~~ and IT IS TRUE~~~~~~~~~ sacrificed warmth for science =P

Nice patterns.

some photos!!~

had hot chocolate with Brandy for tea. went to the puzzling illusion museum as well. and had Thai takeway for dinner! haha... the night before we had curry & rice, and fish and chips. and we sneaked back into our rooms early, watching TV, talking, resting.

Great weather when we were there. Freezing cold, but the sun is out, slightly misty in the early morning, blue skies. The hills reflected on the lake. Laughed, took photos, held hands, hugged, joked... totally relaxed. Just PERFECT.

wanna visit the place again in the future. Maybe Windermere, as suggested by the taxi driver. Or the secluded Wastwater. With a car next time, perhaps with different weather. Go hiking or something. HEHE...

TGET 11 - Edinburgh

2009-11-24T19:54:00.010+11:00

Gotta visit Edinburgh when you are in Scotland, right?

Funny thing though, we went there on 28/12/08, left the next day. Which, if we did research properly, we would have stayed there for Hogmanay. Oh well, the start of year 2009 was awesome for me, celebrating in London, the fireworks, the London Eye, the company!!~

meeting up on the other side of the world.

Anyhow, Edinburgh.

I'm actually reading the stuff (travelogue) that i wrote about Edinburgh on 2 pieces of Starbucks tissues. Yeap! those tissues lasted very long, and definitely strong enough for me to write on. It says "Manufactured in the Netherlands." OH!~~~ expensive stuff! that's why...

More plants. More planet. STARBUCKS COFFEE
Made from 100% recycled fibres using a bleach-free process.

Less napkins. More plants. More planet.

I was in Starbucks with KiKi, waiting for the rest to finish their ghost tour. She didn't feel well. ~~I'm a chicken~~ I don't like getting scared. Got nothing to do, why not write my usual travelogue, except that booklet was at the hostel, hence the tissues.

Back to the content on the tissues.

We took a train to Edinburgh. Beautiful scenery along the way. Cold, cloudy, the usual UK winter weather. And if i remember it correctly, we saw some white crystal like particles on train stations. they were dry, so weren't snow/ice. So my ~~dumb~~ ingenious idea was to taste them. Turned out, they were salty = road salts... to melt ice on the road! See!!~~ reliable tastebuds!

We basically roamed the city when we were there.
Edinburgh is an old city... old buildings everywhere!!~~ history, cultures. The castle, kilt, bagpipes, scotch fingers. Oh yea, and Haggis, i loved it. =)

in a pub, waiting for our Haggis.

the morning before we left, we went for a walk behind the hostel we lived. Oh, forgot to mention, the hostel was situated far away from the city, quite a lovely place, and behind it is the sea!!!~~~~ had soooo much fun that morning, taking photos, enjoying the blue skies, singing at one point. IT WAS GREAT!!!~~~~~

one of my favourite photos ever!

gotta catch a van trip to/from the hostel!

Shall go to Scotland again one day. Preferbly late spring/summer time, wanna go to the highlands, and hike!!~

oh well, SURE.
ONE DAY.

TGET 10 - Glasgow

2009-11-24T00:02:00.001+11:00

Arrived at Glasgow on Christmas Eve, quite late.
Only us left in the cold bus station, with CCTVs aiming at us.
Got bored while waiting for Pei Ling to come fetch us, amused ourselves by looking at the TV that showed us on the CCTVs.

I'm not a christian. Christmas was nothing but extra public holidays for me, but somehow last christmas was special. Because I was in Glasgow, freezing cold, finally meeting up with Pei Ling, not in KL/Malaysia, but somewhere foreign for both of us.

the first sentence Pei Ling said to us when she first saw us was:
"本来要吓你们的。很累啊！让我休息一下！"
[I initially intended to give you guys a fright. Very tired (after walking all the way from hostel to here), let me have a rest!]

Brother was right, I have weird friends. Instead of hugging each other or cry or a simple "How are you?", my first reaction when I first saw Koi Ni after 3 years not seeing her was "两个人啊？" [two persons?], to which she replied "嗯" [yeap].

Walked in the cold to Pei Ling's hostel/accommodation/uni apartment. Not very far from the bus station really... and i wondered whether i'll ever have the chance to live on campus.

And guess what i was doing on Christmas eve, straight after reaching Pei Ling's place? I was 'giving the turkey a free massage with marinated sauce'!!!~~~ and filling it's abdomen with stuffings!!

LOL~~~~~~

no one in the house would dare to do the job, i really don't know what's disgusting about it all... Anyhow, me and Koi Ni had some fun dissecting the heart, she was so amazed about actually seeing the 4 chambers of the heart, finally after reading it from textbooks countless times~~ weird. hahaha....

oh yea, we also had 汤圆. Something traditionally eaten during winter solstice (22 Dec every year), 冬至. Which signifies togetherness or gatherings.... how appropriate it was eh? =)

Christmas day = bad news!!~ I found out that my memory card was corrupted and that i've lost heaps of photos.... SIGH!!~~ biggest disappointment of the trip!!!!~~ ended up able to recover some of the photos by downloading some software online... still... SIGH~~~~~

of course, christmas day = exchange gifts!~
i handed Pei Ling and Koi Ni the bandana i bought for them.
Pei Ling bought me an England football jersey (2 days after I bought a larger one, oh well, i'll just give that to my brother, hahaha...).
Koi Ni bought me a socks with cow heads... -__-'''

Christmas day also = not going out much. It was a nice change to just laze around chatting freely with mates, instead of rushing to different tourist destinations. People were busy preparing and cooking for the big christmas dinner later that night.

And the funny thing was, Koi Ni was sitting in front of Pei Ling's laptop for that few days in Glasgow to finish her assignment. haha... But that kind of reminded me of a few years back when i visited her in INTI Nilai, and she was busy with assignment as well. That was 3 years prior to christmas 2008. And boy! how much have changed... how much we've experienced throughout that 3 years... nostalgia~~~

and somehow it also reminded me that everytime i visited someone over my holidays, they would be busy. Like Pei Ling in 2007/2008 holidays were busy with exams and uni, Koi Ni last time in Nilai... BUT, I love it at the same time, because it felt REAL! like we are living, just like ordinary days.... and we were comfortable about it. Yea, I was happy....

Christmas dinner was awesome! the turkey turned out really yummy, just cooked! with Pei Ling's housemates, as well as some other batch mates... Turns out, most of us there were ex-Chong Hwa-rians... awesome! We all do spread all over the world in the end... amazes me everytime.

The visitors: KiKi, Koi Ni, me.

Boxing day = SHOPPING!!!~~~~ seems like it's quite universal throughout the world... not just Australia! hehe... and boy! it was cheap... admittedly, we did go to the cheap chain store, called Primark, but still, 2 pounds for 7 pairs of socks?! 6 pounds for a pair of jeans?! 5 pounds for working blouse? 4 pounds for a flannel?! 1 pound T-shirts?! I was in heaven for a while there... =)

oh yea, also a benefit of having friends working at random food outlet = free/cheap food!!~~ Paid for 1 burger and got 5 burgers plus drinks at Burger King; Paid for nothing and got foot long subs with coffee and cookies!!!~~ AWESOME!!!~~

3rd day was spent in Glasgow = visiting city of Glasgow, museums and famous architectural sites!!~~ what the place is famous for. And it was a cold day, like any city in UK during winter, i guess.

Not much use eh? LOL~~~~

Gallery of Modern Art had a few interesting exhibitions.

I was captivated by an audio/visual piece of a narration of Charlotte Wolff, an 'outcast/outsider' and someone who was marginalised most of her life - being a female, a doctor, a female doctor, a lesbian, a Jew in Germany in the 1930s, had to leave her own country, turned into a psychotherapist and doing hand-reading when moved to the US, and then finally in full circle, she was back in Germany, giving a lecture to university students on her life. Life's is indeed interesting eh?

and then there was this piece that highlighted the irony of surgeon/doctors VS 'freaks'. On one hand, doctors are healers, on another hand, these doctors involved were kind of hoping that the world's tallest and smallest person (at that time) to die sooner so that they can dissect and own these 'specimens'. Interesting...

The Lighthouse is a very cool place!!!~~~~~ on top of the tower is the view of Glasgow city... relaxing viewing platform with sofas to lie on.... and the signs are awesome there... sooo quirky and super COOL!!~~

and of course, it's christmas time = christmas carnival!!!~

Last night spent in Glasgow = dyed my hair for the first time in my life!!!~~~ DIY of course, me helping Koi Ni & KiKi, as well as them helping me. I ended up had to get it done twice as it was my first time, my hair was really dark black, hence not easy got the colour to stay and 'hitch on'. hehe... BUT the experience was also touching in a way, the time and effort and concentration while dying your friend's hair... kind of like dedication/giving out something, and strangely intimate and close... =)

oh yea!!!~ of course coming to Scotland = the fun of Scottish accent, and kilt and bagpipes!!! Even better? how about a 3-men band wearing kilts, playing the bagpipes, dancing and performing pop musics on the streets? So awesome~~~~~

Reflection - Year 2009 Med.

2009-11-19T23:32:00.010+11:00

So now I'm sitting in front of my laptop, typing. Trying to write something in reflection of this past year.

and I'm feeling strangely...free.

It's something I've missed a lot throughout the year. Having the time, the space, the luxury of just doing nothing, of just letting my thoughts flow without instructing myself to re-focus 2s after, of just live, and breathe.

I can't believe how fast time fly by this year.
Where do I even start?

What I know for sure is: I'm a very different person now compared to the beginning of the year.
[and I kind of feel old saying this. =P]

This year has been life changing.
Dramatic?
Just like how life's supposed to be.
Just like how Medicine's supposed to be.

So, year 2009 is my first year of seriously getting into the clinical side of Medicine. I've spent 12 weeks at 2 community organisations learning the social side of Medicine, aka 'Medicine in Context (MiC)'; 12 weeks in hospital learning Medicine; 12 weeks in hospital learning Surgery, and in between the term, 3x1 weeks of full week lectures. The amount of holidays/break I had since mid-January this year was a mere 2x1 weeks.

All these full time involvement (without pay, I must say) not only challenged me as a medical student, but also as a human being.

I started the year a day after coming back from my whirlwind tour of Europe. After attending 1 week of full day lectures, I started my academic year with MiC, aka the non-Medical side of Medicine.

MiC was more of a personal development and growth for me than anything else. In fact, I didn't learn much of the technical side of Medicine (except those random facts acquired through the 'a day a week GP placement'). For the first time in my life, I got involved in a community, and did 'adult' stuff. I talked to MANY random strangers, get to know the population/suburb I was in, organised activities on my own, and attended countless ~~boring~~ meetings.

But I was also greatly inspired by many: the people trying to make a change within the population (as difficult and impossible it may look), the passion and compassion of the countless volunteers and health personnels, the extraordinary courage of the not-so-lucky population, the pride and culture of the Aboriginals, and of course, the (previous/current) refugees/asylum seekers' resilience and their incredible abilities to strive, survive and adapt.

At the same time, MiC was my first exposure to politics, bureaucracy and the darker side of human beings. The meaningless bureaucracy and politics just constantly reminded me of 'Welcome to the real world!', and things could have been run more efficiently.
And sometimes it's very hard to be have compassion when you realise that most wars that caused displacement and hurt were due to differences in religion, politics and race. If only tolerance and respect were upheld, I often wonder.

MiC reminded me to see patients not as some diseases/ward numbers (though sometimes it's just so tempting to do so, because then things would be simpler), but as human beings with lives outside the hospital. And surprise! the time they spend outside the hospitals are significantly more than inside the hospital! =)

Next up, the 24 weeks in hospital taught me even more.

For once, I was learning new things day in, day out, all day, everyday.
My life was drowning in Medicine. I live, breathe, and even smell like medicine.
At one stage, I even dreamt of fresh bright red blood, road accidents, random non-existent surgeries, and decapitated bodies that were anatomically incorrect/impossible!

Words/terms like 'patients', 'diagnosis', 'cannula', 'intern', 'registrar', 'pain', ECG, UTI, STEMI, DM, CXR etc were thrown around all the time. Eventually, 'I need coffee', 'I'm dying', and 'Sooooooo tired!' became the most often used phrases, especially at 5am in the morning, and 'Why am I still here?' at 6pm in the hospitals.

I learned to walk fast, eat fast, think fast, and write even faster. I become a semi-pro in making small talk with strangers, in building rapport with people, in acting like someone who knows their 'stuff' eventhough half of the time we were just as confused, in apologising for my cold hands, and in sticking a needle/cannula into someone without a flinch, multiple times.

As one of my consultant reminded me, clerkship/clinical rotations are no easy feats, it's not just like working fulltime. Unlike consultants/interns/registrars who have a certain amount of routine at work, we as medical students are learning and absorbing all the time, just like sponges. It's very interesting, exciting and exhilarating, but at the same time, confronting and draining physically, mentally and emotionally. Not just from the insane amount of study we need to keep up with, but also on a personal level of dealing with sick people, conflict, life and death.

You know, I've always wondered why people kept telling me that Medicine is a challenging course to do. First 2 years of the course, it wasn't easy, but manageble. But after this year, I must admit, IT IS FREAKING TOUGH!!~~
I was challenged constantly, pulled out of my comfort zone most of the time, yelling out of frustration some of the time, and even cried once in a while. It's no wonder that by the end of the year, many of us were jaded and totally burnt-out.

Of course, it's not all bad news. It's often the bright side of Medicine that keeps us going. I would never forget the rush/exhilaration/satisfaction I felt the first time I successfully put in a cannula, pulled out a nail off someone's leg, put my whole hands into someone's abdomen, saw blood splashing in surgery, cut into someone's skin (and subsequently pus oozed out! LOL), heard my first heart murmur, finished a 17hr day of surgical-marathon etc.

I would also always remember the pride I had everytime a patient said he/she would have me taking his/her blood next time, when a patient (and my surgeon) was surprised that I know something about Brugada's Syndrome, when a patient/nurse/doctor reassured me that I would be a good doctor, or just when I made someone smile/laugh.

Heck! I even still remember the name of the patient who was initially hostile to everyone (including me) but by the end of his stay thought I was the only person who respected him! =P

And of course, the miracles of Medicine and the human's amazing ability to heal. I would never forget my first MET call on one of our patient, who arrested and CPR-ed for 30~40mins, but was revived, recovered perfectly and left the hospital with great joy and a new found passion for life a few days later. I would also never throw away the drawing given by the 9 year old girl who had been through a hell lot and seen things far worse than me, yet still keep smiling and playing around like any kid would.

On a personal level, this is also the time when relationships and friendships blossom and grow stronger. If you want one piece of advice from me regarding clerkship/clinical rotations, which was never thought in Med schools, it is to have a strong social support, to get a group of friends/people that you can rely on, to talk to, to debrief, to vent, and to cry with. I honestly don't think I would be able to survive if not for the group of med buddies and my family who walked side-by-side with me throughout the year.

THANKS a million guys!
I LOVE YOUssss!!!~~

I'm proud to say that I've survived these stressful times. As I mentioned before, often it's this kind of demanding period that allows oneself to grow. The year 2009 has been a journey of self-discovery for me. I've sailed into terrains that I never thought existed, and still discovering more of myself as I type. At the same time, it has also exposed and even amplified some of my flaws to myself - my ego, my impatience, my prejudice, my judgement, all things that I can work on.

And that's what I attracted me to Medicine in the first place - not the money, not the prestige, not the social status. But the fact that Medicine allows me to constantly learn and reflect, challenge myself, and most importantly, to experience humanity and life.

I've said it many times before - I am lucky.
I am in the right profession.
And I'm bloody loving it!

May the journey continue.

And now to enjoy my 7 weeks holidays!!!~~
Take care peeps!

TGET 9 - Manchester

2009-11-18T23:59:00.006+11:00

Manchester reminded me of Manchester United, the football club (which I didn't go as well, not an MU fan). It's a place we stop by on the way to Glasgow.

First and only time in a black cab. (Brother)

Spacey... too damn tired to walk/catch a bus...

We didn't really go to many places. Walked all the way to Imperial Museum, but it was closed by the time we reached there. Many bridges along the way though, and a random beautiful modern cinema/theatre.

random bridge. Many of them in Manchester.

Some random cinema/theatre we walked past while exploring the area. nice toilets! =)

Koini & Kiki liked this. White christmas tree.

That night went all the way to Trafford Centre, one of the biggest shopping centre i've ever been. Different themes of decoration at each section of the centre, kind of reminded me of Sunway Pyramid, back then when it felt huge, hehe...

Trafford Centre. One of the biggest shopping centre i've ever been. Multiple themes on different section of the centre.

the next day (with great weather, by the way, blue skies & sun!) was spent walking around the city centre. Brother met up with some of his friends from primary school(!), and we walked around Chinatown.

Chinese garden somewhere near ChinaTown, of course.

Manchester's Chinatown.

who's this guy again?

huge santa!!~ group photo!

nice rocks? we each had a bagful of pastry/bread/sandwich for dinner on the bus later...

and Koini/Kiki told me that Manchester has cheap yumcha/dimsum!
and yes, it was cheap (cost us 5 pounds each only!) and yummy!!~

= longevity. in yumcha place...

egg tart!!!~~~~ yummy~~~~

and yes, Manchster really has heaps of shopping centre. Many people doing last minute Christmas shopping (it was 24/12/09 afterall).

Beer garden...

we bought heaps too!~
- an England football jersey for 3.50 pounds!!!!~~~
- brother bought one for 8 pounds!!!~~~~
(hehe... always wanted to own one of them since young, followed English Premier League as a kid.)
- brother bought 5 pairs of socks for 3 pounds
- brother brought sneakers for 10 pounds!!!~~~

*so now you know who's the avid shopper in my family, definitely NOT ME!!~ LOL*

And we spent our Christmas eve for year 2009 on a bus to Glasgow.

the year 2009...

2009-11-14T22:42:00.009+11:00

...according to my ~~dodgy~~ mobile camera phone.

going backwards (cos i can't be bothered to arrange it chronologically.)

my new laptop/speaker/clock/desk/pharmaceutical company sponsored free pens

the last exams paper - fire alarm went off, so we evacuated.

(and who the hell bring their bag out during an emergency?! =P)
Post-OSCEs Korean BBQ/catch-up.

Land, the listener.

Liling, also keen to listen?

Debater No. 1 - Avery!

Debater No. 2 - Vy!

The venue of the debate - Bakehouse Garden! - quite a lovely place!

In the end, they actually had the same perspective, which me and Land already figured it out 10mins into the debate. They didn't till 2 hours later. HAHAHAA~~~

Ruby's gonna be a Med Student? Tummy of my lovely heavily pregnant med-partner for the final rotation.

chocolate fondue!!!!~~~ for my birthday! =)

The Chocolate Room - thanks guys for celebrating with me!!~~

unique cup by the way, heating by itself!

family's friend's 60th birthday - the exquisite home-made cake!!!~~

the awesome Orthopaedics rotation! - bilateral back slab on my lower limbs!!~~

walking around the hospital with these on were hilarious!!~~~ hahaha...

Darling Harbour - were pretending to be tourists for my friend to spy on other company.

my first med-partner. The focus here are the eyes!!!~

Try taking blood with one pupil dilated? SUPER ~~blurry~~HARD!!~ hahahahhahaha~~~

cut my hair short in the beginning of the year... somehow people thought I changed my hair colour too...

testing my mobile camera. My favourite Harbour Bridge!!~~

Ye Min. my roomate/buddy/old friend who arrived early this year!~~
Little bro... don't know why he was in my room... hmm?
Learned about housing early in the year - See, I did learn stuff from MiC (Medicine in Context!)

Family friend - significant thing is he was uni mates with my MiC rotation GP in the 60s in UNSW!!~~ Small world!!~~

My old laptop. Now belonged to my lil brother. Yeap, hand-me-down stuff.

Shall reflect more on the year post-exams. (after next Monday)

although it kind of feels like holidays already now.

2 more days!

To Build A Home - Cinematic Orchestra (feat Patrick Watson)

2009-11-07T23:17:00.002+11:00

____________________________________________

study vacation is also a time to ~~procrastinate~~ search for awesome 'study' music'.
=P

i need study motivation!!!!
sigh~~~

1 day to go, i'm screwed.

nearly there.

2009-11-01T14:38:00.002+11:00

1 week STUVAC (study vacation) now.

then monday, wednesday, friday, monday exams.

then 7.5 weeks holidays!!~

add oil.
がんばって!
加油!
Aza aza fighting!

dork.
XD

counting down.
T -15 days.

.sdarwkcab

2009-10-24T18:17:00.003+11:00

.desserts

.MBE diputs

.smaxe diputs

.noegrus diputs

.syadiloh tnaw i

.won

.skeew eerht
.si ti lla s'taht.

n00b

2009-10-05T00:55:00.005+11:00

I'm such a n00b of 'LIFE'.

yes, i'm too naive.
(don't fully trust what patient said, especially druggies with multiple admissions.)

yes, i'm too indecisive.
(i have commitment issues, ok? haha; what about the 'what-ifs'?)

yes, i don't know how to say no.
(especially to ~~bloody, God-complex, scary~~ surgeons.)

yes, i just try super hard to find excuses for people who piss me off.
(I don't like conflict! And I don't know how to yell back.)

yes, i don't seem to have a personality.
(i haven't live l ong enough to have one? I'm still finding my own way!)

yes, i don't know what is appropriate to say or not to say.
(see the reason above.)

yes, i'm not articulate enough.
(especially when i'm sleep-deprived, caffeine-withdrawn and facing someone who WILL yell at me regardless of what i say. AND try being multi-linguistic!)

yes, i don't sound like i know my stuff.
(it's my 3rd year, compared to your 30th year of Med, ok?!)

Sooooo....
teach me!
encourage me!
NOT pound me further and deeper into the ground!

sigh~~
i shall rise again.
just you wait.

TGET 8 - Rome

2009-09-26T00:00:00.011+10:00

All roads lead to Rome, they said.

Indeed. Traffic everywhere. Worst we've seen at that stage (we haven't been to Napoli/Naples at that stage yet). And the best thing was, we could walk to everywhere.

Yellow Hostel was the place we stayed. free internet on their laptop everyday for 30 mins! Cheap, clean. But can be loud. Had a bunch of Malaysian students there as well, they were loud!!~~ couldn't get to sleep till 2am. Grr... Mensiahsuikan!~

Somehow woke up at 8am, despite the late night. First thing we noticed in Rome was the great weather. Clean blue sky without any cloud, not too cold. Kind of reminded me of sunny winter days in Sydney. Awesome!

Great weather --> decided to go to the Colosseum first. Colosseum is humongous!!!!~~~~ Wide, tall, surprisely well built, grand. Situated right next to a busy street and metro station. Kind of a huge contrast of the modern & ancient Rome.

Amazing architecture. It's very hard to imagine that a long long time ago, 70000 people could fit in there. Kind of like a stadium, a big one even by today's standard. Kept having Russell Crowe and the Gladiator movie in my mind while i was there, hehe...

The Roman Forum & Palantine are situated right next to the Colloseum. Huge site. Again, ancient. It's very hard to imagine that so much are still preserved after so many years. Yet it could have been sooooo much bigger in those days. It's like a freaking huge metropolitan city!!!!~~~~ With huge building, temples, hilly areas, fountains etc etc etc.

By the time we finished walking around the area, it was around 2pm. Walked more to the Tomb of Unknown Soldier. Very white kind of building. With bronze horses on both sides, and soldiers/guards who don't blink/react.

The Pantheon was the next destination, which has a dome where sunligh can shine through.

Then walked to Trevi Fountain. One of the most beautiful fountain i've come across!!~ and everyone is flipping a coin into the pool with their back against it. We didn't do it. But apparently, we are suppose to flip 2 coins in, one for good luck, another to hope that you come back here again one day.

In the small side street near Trevi Fountain is San Crispino!!!~ The BEST gelato I've ever tasted in my life!!~~ Arguebly the best in Rome as well. Me and brother went there twice. 2 different flavours each. So in total that day, we had 8 flavours!!~~ YUMMY!!~~~~~~~

Walked to Spanish Steps (Piazza di Spagna). Somehow weren't very impressed. Maybe cos it was winter, there weren't blooming flowers along the steps. Though there's a huge christmas tree on top of the steps. Nearby are a lot of boutiques. Just a note, not that it interests me or anything. hehe...

The next day we had great weather too!!~ Went to the Vatican city, the smallest country in the world (though i refuse to see them as a country, more of a state. hehe...)

St Peter's Cathedral is grand, humongous, glorious and ridiculously luxurious. Which made me think about what's the point of spending so much people's money to build such grand cathedral, for whom? God? The archbishops? The pope? Kind of puzzled both me and brother for a while there.

Then went to Vatican Museum. Big place, really nice interior. But didn't enjoy the exhibition there as much, probably cos i'm more into contemporary arts. The Vatican crest/symbol is cool, the keys!

Sistine Chapel is amazing!!~ Very colourful, animated, crowded. If only i know more about the characters, i would have enjoyed it more. Next time.

There are piazza (squares) everywhere in Rome (or Italy in general). Walked (again) to Piazza Navona, a fountain there, christmas markets, entertainers, performers there. Accidentally walked into Piazza Campo de Flori, which is a contrast to other piazza that we went to before: It's like fruit/vege/flea/cheap kitchenware/clothes market. wet, rotten veges everywhere. heheh...

More walking!~ We actually walked all the way back to our hostel all the way from Colosseum, took us at least 1 hour! Somehow walking isn't as tiring nor annoying when I'm on holidays, travelling. hehe... On the way back, decided to have chinese food cos we got sick of pasta. hahaa...
Generally speaking, things are cheaper in Rome compared to other Italian cities. It's more tourist-friendly, more tourists everywhere, and more people speak English. It's very easy to travel around (we walked, mainly -- save money, and do some exercise!). Also, there's ancient building everywhere. Randomly.

My impression of Italy: Gelato, pasta, pizza, piazza, history, ancient, awesome police sportscars, awesome smart cars, tiny parking lots, scooters, smokers, tiny buses, boutiques etc.

and the side streets!!!~~ *love*

Definitely will go back to Italy one day. Want to go during warmer weather, and go to the Tuscan, maybe even ride a bike through Tuscany!!!! Or hike the mountains along Amalfi Coast. And yes! GELATO & great Italian food!!!!~~~

contrast.

2009-09-16T19:58:00.007+10:00

Vietnam War. 1969.
21 year old soldier. Mr X.

Landmine disaster.
Coma 18 months.

Left-sided paresis (weakness).
Dysarthria (difficulty with speech).
Intellectually 100% OK.

Nursing home.

Doctor's office. 2009.
Wheelchair bound.
Pain.
Understood what the doctor meant and all.
Communication. Big problem.

Vomited in the consult room.
Cleaned by other people.
Sorry.
So sorry.
___________________________________________

Hospital. 198x.
Toddler. Miss Y.

Septic arthritis.
Damaged hip.

Contracture.
Leg length discrepancy.
Pain.

Wheelchair. Crutches.

Doctor's office. 2009.
Femur corrected.
Tibia lengthened.
Ilizarov external fixator frame taken off.

Wound OK.
Knee flexed more than ever.
No pain.

Joyful tears in Mum's eyes.
___________________________________________

Patients often don't die in orthopaedic setting.
But their quality of life can be heavily affected.
As shown in real life.

Sigh~

Take care.

bits & pieces

2009-09-09T22:57:00.004+10:00

"I'm dying." seems to be the phrase of the month, or the term. Especially before i have my coffee after waking up at 545am after >12 hrs surgical shift and <6 hrs sleep.

but aren't we all dying all the time? it just depends on what rate you are talking about. =P

X

things that keep merry-go-round-ing in my mind. untangled slightly by my dear friend. still. maybe i should go see a psychologist.

when i have time. ~~screwing up your mind~~ thinking needs the luxury of time and effort. at the moment, i have OSCEs, surgeries and exams to worry about.

X

army uniforms (baggy pants) are awesome. they have infinite number of pockets everywhere. imagine how much i could fit in them!

i want a pair of those!

ooh! and consulting in the army makes me wanna play Red Alert again. yeap, that's where i learned a bit about the army and combating.

X

i can't stop dreaming about medicine. i dreamt of being quizzed by my surgeon yesterday night. geez, subconscious stress/worries.

and i have been having dreams of dead people. Me performing CPR on a dead person whose head was completely dissociated from his body.
WTH? You need lungs and heart to make CPR work?! DUH!

and they are not even nightmares.

X

dreamt of myself having really bad leg cramps (long surgical hours got into me in my dreams too!!). and somehow woke up with a sore calf. spooky.

on the same night, dreamt of having a boyfriend, who is waiting for me all the time cos i'm always late for dinner. (med life eh?)

sucks! so i woke up with a sore leg and feeling empty inside. great.

medicine should stop invading my dreams. GO. AWAY.

X

warm weather and blue skies make me feel alive inside. bring on the short pants, and short-sleeve shirts!

though the sun is coming out a wee bit too early nowadays.

X

i miss Europe. and travelling. and just relaxing.

i want holidays. NOW.

X

having tomorrow off. WOOHOO!
but i'm gonna spend it on catching up on studies. BOO!

take care peeps.

Breathe Me - Sia

2009-09-06T22:26:00.001+10:00

Sia - Breathe Me
Uploaded by Sia. - Explore more music videos.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

slowpoke

2009-08-31T22:26:00.005+10:00

past 3 weeks felt lloooonnnnggg.

i started my 1st surgery rotation - orthopaedics surgery.

i was really looking forward to the specialty of 'carpentry on human beings'. at one point, i thought i would go into this field.

it was very interesting indeed. things make sense, i can see them in front of me (not like those molecular stuff that i can't see). mechanical. anatomy. muscles, bones.

i can't say that this is my passion, or i would definitely go into this field now. But definitely one of the option, if i'm not put off by the long training etc.

surgery is definitely attractive. blood, muscles, fat, smell of burnt tissues etc. so far, none has turn me off surgery. all the spashing, gory stuff are actually the cool stuff, haha...

surgery is not as cold as people think, my surgeon/consultant definitely interacts well with his patients. there's still a lot of interaction & building rapport with patients, especially in an outpatient/private setting.

and also, surgery is a very internally motivated field. you work your way, by your own time, decide the way you want to do it, finish when you want to, and get paid the way you want. (no wonder they all said to have God complexes. haha!)

but it is also very very tiring, physically and mentally. So far, the longest surgical shift i've done is 17 hours (7am to 12am), and i've already done a few >12 hours shifts. I start at 7am most of the time, & quite lucky if I finish by 4pm. I'm exhausted by the end of the week.

But strangely, i've enjoyed the satisfaction i get after a long day work, with the sore neck, back, arms & legs, droopy eyelids, headache, wrists with purple markings from tight surgical gloves, super dry hands & forearms, & the funny looking hair.

i do miss medicine though. talking to patients, seeing patients multiple times, doing long ward rounds, staying in public hospitals (seeing fellow med mates aka newbies around), doing cannulation/venepuncture, and having a consistent working hours.

other stuff happening in Med: OSCEs in 3 weeks time!!!~~ argh!!!~~~~ and i'm still not prepared, at all.

focus, Shihui! FOCUS.
___________________________________________

on another note, conversations with med mates have been awesome!

exchanging ideas, sharing a part of ourselves, laughing at med jokes that no other people outside medicine find funny, debriefing, reflecting on our experiences together, feeling vulnerable yet strongly supported.

i love you guys. don't think i'll survive without you guys. *heart*
___________________________________________

Spring is here!!~~ *yay!*
flowers, colour, blue skies & warm weather.

take care!

Almost Lovers - A Fine Frenzy

2009-08-30T16:21:00.000+10:00

Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never let forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

empathy

2009-08-09T12:23:00.006+10:00

I used to think that I'm a rational person. A science person. Everything has certains laws that they follow. There's systematic and rational explanation for everything. ETC.

Now, I think I'm the opposite.

For examples:

I got emotional while watching the Olympics, the joy & disappointments of each individual success and otherwise. I thought it was because I had been involved in sports before, so I know how it feels. Therefore.

I got emotional & actually moved to tears while visiting the MCA last week.

I got emotional & had a moment of compassion, understanding the meaning of freedom to this ex-prisoner.

I got emotional & also moved to tears a few years back while visiting my uncle's grave. It wasn't because I miss him (I barely knew him), it was more of because I suddenly understood and able to feel how my grandparents and mum must have felt when he died 18 years ago.

I got emotional & had tears in my eyes (again!) today, reading the news of the Lin family tragedy.

Argh!~

Stupid Medicine has changed me!
With all its emphasis on "Empathy".
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On another note, tomorrow's the start of Surgery.
I wonder how much 'empathy' that I'll be able to apply in the next 12 weeks, haha~
Hope I'll at least survive.

Take care.

perfect break

2009-08-01T00:59:00.006+10:00

Many of our men went off to ﬁght in both world wars, I have often wondered why. These men were Indigenous to this land. They were not recognised as citizens of Australia. Had no right to vote, yet served and died for a nation, one that had been stolen from them. Those who did return, returned to a world of degradation.
Lest We Forget.

By Ricky Maynard
Free Country
Portrait of a Distant Land 2007

I had tears in my eyes.
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Went to the Museum of Contemporary Arts today, first time getting in touch with comtemporary arts again since my Europe trip. I miss it so much.

and indeed,
Art = break/fuel/food for my mind
*heart*

From the photographs of Ricky Maynard, to photographs from different photographers/journalists/historians, to the funky video making fun of Starbucks, the new sculptures, and to Louisa Bufardeci's colourful maps & team joy.

blue skies. warm weather.
Harbour bridge. city of Sydney.

Makes me wanna just shout at the top of my lungs!!~~~~
*heart*

And then spent a few hours in Kinokuniya, browsing at more photographs, books on various topics including one written by Max Pemberton on being a junior doctor (hilarious stuff!)...

Met up with a dear friend for dinner, at a small Malaysian cafe out of nowhere that looks and feels like the kopitiam back home, the food is awesome as well.

Had pancakes for desserts, met up with friends that I haven't seen since high school.
Friday night Sydney CBD. Harbour bridge at night.
More *heart*.

One of the best day of my break. =)
Take care.

reflect

2009-07-26T16:57:00.006+10:00

*breathe in, breathe out*
Where do I begin?

I've just completed my first 12-week hospital rotation.
I'm now having my long awaited 1 week break.
finally.

12 weeks is a long time.
It's a long time to hang around in the hospital, following different health professionals, talking to different patients, learning different things, and just plain absorbing.
It's also a long time for anyone to live, love, laugh, loathe, experience and grow.

Someone once told me that Medicine is a weird field, because it requires us to interact with strangers constantly over matters that are sometimes notoriously private. It's a field that requires so much people skills.

5 years ago, I wouldn't be able to imagine myself being able to hold a conversation with random strangers. I'm always amazed by how adults (I didn't count myself as one) are able to just talk to other people with ease. I've always thought that these skills are gained from life experience, and time will make them sociable. I couldn't imagine myself being one of them.

But for the past 12 weeks (and more if I include my 1st 12 weeks of community Medicine), time and time again, I'm amazed by my own ability to hold a conversation, to connect with people, to open myself up and at the same time seeing people sharing a part of them with me.

Not only that, I was finding myself sometimes being consciously tactful when dealing with different people, be it consultants, nurses, patients or just fellow colleagues. I was trying different ways of approaching people, literally learning about people skills by trial and error.

Which reinforces the notion that Medicine is forever changing, variable and never adhere to strict formulas, it really is all about people. Any fool or robot can regurgitate a thousand medical facts, but at the end of the day, people are all different, and therefore different approaches are taken to optimise their care. It could be the same condition, but people respond differently.

One of my proudest moment was when M, a Vietnam war veteran, who initially treated me rather coldly, was quite rude to everyone on the wards, non-compliant and overly-defensive at times, said to me by the end of his stay that I was the only person who seems to respect him and didn't treat him as someone stupid. As much as everyone wanted him to recover and leave the hospital ASAP, I couldn't help but feeling so proud of myself because all the effort that I put into trying different approaches when interacting with him paid off.

Another fond memory I have was with R, a lovely lady older than my own grandma, who stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks, and whose appearance reminded me of my childhood babysitter. On the last day of my rotation, on my way out of the hospital ward, I bumped into her on the waiting lounge and was introduced to her daughter who lives nearby, her granddaughter who wants to be a pilot, and her other granddaughter who has pink and purple bags at home. It was one of those 30 minutes that reinforced the reason why I'm in this field, the privilege given to us as medical students or medical professionals to learn from people life experiences. There is truly no better way of ending a rotation!~

Another big aspect of my current learning is procedural skills - injection, taking blood, putting cannula in etc. I remember when I was a little girl, more than 10 years ago, a little 5ml syringe that I found at home was the most fascinating thing to play with. Now syringes are like tools to me, something I use everyday, they are no longer that interesting. 12 weeks ago, I couldn't even imagine sticking a needle into some random stranger, let alone trying a few times on them or giving them a haematoma. Today, procedurals seem to be the routine thing I do, and even after doing them so many times, I'm still learning the subtlety of a successful attempt versus an unsuccessful one.

26 weeks into Medicine this year, being slightly more than half a Doctor, I've also come to realise how hard it can be to juggle Medicine and life. It was different in the past 2 years, having lectures in university 3 days per week with 1 day of 5 hours max hospital session.

Going to hospital full time is very very very different! Not only that it's physically tiring (which makes it hard to get some studying done at the end of a long day), it is also quite intense and draining. Some people said it's like working in the hospital without pay. But it's more than that, reminded by one of consultant. What we students do are much more exhausting than qualified doctors because we are not going through the routines like they do, we are actually learning and absorbing as much as we can. Everything is an effort. We are expected to be in the hospital 35 hours a week (But we all do more than that by far!), at the same time, we are expected to retain knowledge that were taught or vaguely mentioned once.

At times, all these can be very overwhelming and stressful. It could even be suffocating as life at times seems to be consumed by Medicine and nothing else. It took me a while to understand that my non-Medicine life has to go on. I cannot let Medicine be the whole of me, I need to concurrently occupy myself with non-medically related stuff. And of course, catching up with non-Med friends is essential as well.
I'm getting there.

I must say though, I'm glad that I've gone through these stressful times. Often it's this kind of demanding period that allows oneself to grow. The past 12 weeks have exposed or even amplified some of my flaws to myself. My ego, my impatience, my prejudice, my judgement, all things that I can work on.

And that's what I like about Medicine - it allows me to constantly learn and reflect, challenge myself, and most importantly, to experience humanity and life.

I'm in the right profession. =)

And now, I shall cherish my 1 week break.
Take care, people!!~~

of stereotypes

2009-07-19T13:40:00.003+10:00

(something from the med blog I was part of.)

We had an ex-prisoner admitted to the wards that day.

He isn't totally free, still under supervision, with a bracelet attached on his ankle and a box, probably some sort of tracking device.

But he's one of the nicest patient we have of the week. Like a very gentle Santa Claus. As opposed to some of the most difficult, grumpiest, most aggressive, over-defensive, non-compliant patients we had throughout the week.

Which made me think:
ex-prisoner - nice guy
non-ex-prisoners - pain in the a**

Anyhow, unexpectedly, his troponin level was found out to be very elevated, with ECG changes that indicate a possible NSTEMI (Heart Attack). So we advised him that he would have to stay in the hospital for a few more days for an angiogram.

He refused straight away. He had the procedure before, had some bleeding and hated the fact that he had to be bed-bound for half a day or so.

The bleeding wasn't his main concern, it's the fact that he's staying in the hospital that bothers him.

"This is like where I come from. You know what I am saying?"

"I appreciate your concerns, and I understand where you are coming from. But you don't understand. You have to see it from my point of view. I'm going to lose my left leg soon because of my sugars, I just want to get out there and use them when I still can."

"I cannot live without my legs. I'll rather die if I can't walk and run around."

"I honestly don't care if I die tomorrow."

So he discharged himself against medical advice.

Such a different perspective. It was very hard for me to comprehend, but for one moment there, I understood and felt for him.

I wish him well.

TGET 7 - Pisa & Pompeii

2009-07-12T11:44:00.010+10:00

Pisa was a place that I've been looking forward to, ever since i saw countless photos of people pushing the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

That's what I did, boring!!~

This is what brother did, hilarious!!!~~~ too bad the photo was ruined. but you get what he meant. =)

Lonely Planet says we probably just need to spend half a day there. That was what we did, stopping there while on route to Rome from Florence. The city is kind of like Florence, with the small lanes, typical Italian old buildings, with the exception of lots of constrcution happening everywhere.

By the way, while at Florence train station, we paid the most amount of money to use the toilets in my life. It costed us 0.80 euro, which is equal to 1.60 australian dollars, and more than 4 ringgits!!!~~~~~

From the train station, we walked to the Centro Storico, where the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Fields of Miracles, the cathedral, the cemetery, as well as the batistry are located.

The first thing that caught my eyes was actually the green green stretching Fields of Miracles.

And then there's of course the Pisa Tower. First thing that came out of my mind was "How come it looks so much shorter that what I expected?" hahahhaa...

and then "WOAH!!~ it is really very obviously slanting on one side!!~~" apparently, there's a displacement of 4 metres from the edge of the top of the tower and the base. freaky...

The tower is really white, marble stones... felt very clean and pure. There was some restoration going on when we visited the tower, some painting going on, getting rid of the blackness & corrosion, replacing some of the columns etc.

we paid 15 euro to climb the spiralling steps to the top of the tower. The most interesting point of the tower was observed when we were climbing towards the top. Because the tower is slanted at an angle, when we climb the stairs, people tend to step towards the side of each steps that leans towards the slanting side. So what you can see is with one side of the stairs, the indentation marks lean towards the right side, and on the stairs on the other side of the tower, the indentation marks lean towards the other direction!!!~~

the views from the top of the tower was awesome. It is soooo beautiful. we could even see the alps from a distance. and of course, the slanting of the tower was quite obvious from the top too!!~

We then went to the cathedral. as with many others, it is huge and glorious as well, with gold plated ceiling/dome.

The exterior of the batistry is quite unique, i thought. it looks like a layered cake to me for some reason. hehehehe...

And the cemetery has the serenity and peace, without the eerieness of some other cemetery has. It felt weird to walk inside, knowing that some famous persons were lying under us. hehe...

Also saw many tiny cars in the city. and then i r ealised the reason small cars are so popular in Europe is that the lanes and streets and parking lots are so narrow and small all over there. That's why...

Pisa felt like a day trip. A pleasant one nonetheless.
Next stop Rome.
___________________________________________

We visited Pompeii as a day trip from Napoli, with an Aussie couple we met in Napoli, Nigel & Shannon.
(Note: this is after spending a few days in Rome. I will write a post on Rome next.)

for me, Pompeii = volcano, tragedy and ruins.
and that's what the place delivered.

Pompeii is huge!!~~~~ half a day is definitely not enough!!!~~~ it's hard to imagine a volcano eruption destroyed and blanketed the whole city. the eruption must be humongous then!!!~~~ the site was discovered 200 years ago, imagine how long it must have taken the archaeologists to uncover and dusted out the whole area.

Mount Vesuvius looms behind. It's presence is felt all the time we were there and in Napoli. It is still an active volcano, and apparently, it has already overdued for an eruption. Nigel joked about what if there's an eruption and the site is covered again with ashes, then all those effort put in by the archeologists to uncover the site is wasted again. imagine that! haha~~~~ doing it all over again!!~~

What's interesting though, is that the eruption allows the preservation of how the Romans lived more than 1500 years ago. The roads, the houses, the amphitheatres, the water supply, the baths, etc.

the most interesting thing, however, was to see the plaster casts of the victims of the eruption. The whole day brother had insisted on seeing the so-called 'dead bodies' before we leave. After looking around for a while, asking people here and there, we finally found the little corner in Pompeii. All excitement put aside though, it was a profound moment for all of us. The posture, the way people behaved, and even the facial expression of these people at the moment of death, the moment they were covered by hot lava were all haunting reminders of how powerful nature is.

the technique to display these casts though was interesting. While they were discovering the site, they found out some spaces with human remains within, which actually represents the spaces left by the decomposed bodies. So one of the smart one thought about pumping plaster into those hollow spaces, and hence what we see today.

another interesting thing was pumice, the really light-weight volcanic rocks. they are very light because of the air bubbles within when the frothy lava solidifies. We learned this via Shannon, who is a science teacher back in Australia, and she took a few as souvenirs and teaching materials for her students.

All in all, Pompeii is like a daytrip of history, culture, science, geology and humanity.

recently

2009-07-12T11:20:00.005+10:00

10 weeks into fulltime hospitals, i'm still surviving. Yay!~

barely though. 2 more weeks and then i shall have a week of holidays.
really looking forward to it.

hospitals are emotionally and mentally and physically taxing place. at time, it's awesome, other times, it just makes you want to leave the place as soon as possible.

i shall reflect more when i have that one week break.
____________________________________________

on another note, friday was one of the good day of the year. I got to play competitive volleyball for a day in a national competition among Malaysian students in Australia!!~~~

i've come to realised how much my setting has improved since high school. a lot of the things that i did that day, i wouldn't be able to pull it off at all 6 years ago. It's a funny concept to understand cos i haven't been playing much volleyball after leaving KL. i guess there's truth behind the older you are, the more experienced you get, the better your skills are?

and of course, i miss my volleyball mates heaps!!~~ the cohesiveness that we had, the togetherness, the understanding among us without saying a word. I wonder when we can all gather again and had a game or two again.
____________________________________________

on another note again, i've gone back into earning money from working. well, not exactly yet cos i'm still in training. but 2 weeks after, i shall be earning money on at least a fortnightly basis, working as a medical receptionist.
So yes!!!~~~ i'll have the money to go travelling again!!~~~~ wahahahahhahaa~~~~~

the next task is to find a travelling buddy. hehe...

anyone interested in going to Tasmania or New Zealand with me end of this year/early next year?

on well, i shall enjoy my sunday.
take care peeps!